Scooter Finazzio's Adventures

Shuttin Her Down

2011-07-08T21:17:00.004+08:00

I am not longer going to be posting to this blog. I am keeping it on the web just until I can transfer copies of all my posts. I want to keep them because of all the memories. There have been so many of them! Thank you for reading and following along through our adventures. I have enjoyed sharing them and hearing from you all. It was always fun to get the feedback and questions. I felt like so many of you were right there with me in the midst of it. It was helpful, especially in the first couple of years, and also to know that you were praying for us.
I have developed some great new friends through this blog and that has been one of the cool things about it. So please don't forget to keep praying for us.

But thanks be unto God which always causes us to triumph in Christ and makes manifest the savor of His knowledge by us in every place
II Cor 2:14

Sad Stuff

2011-06-21T10:52:00.002+08:00

This past weekend Hal and I went to dinner at a nice outdoor cafe and then for a walk through a small city with shops and etc. Alongside the cafe where we were eating was a large fenced off area where they had an outdoor bandshell set up with a beer stand. There was a band playing, people dancing, lots and lots of beer drinking and people just hanging.

Because I am a depraved individual I thought we should go over and check out the band that was blaring and see what the people were doing. Mainly I thought it was fun to stand there and watch the little kids bee boppin to the talentless band surrounded by drunks. Yea I am terrible because it was entertaining for a few minutes.

After a while though it really started bugging me and I had seen enough. It struck me as sad when we were standing there and a few feet away from us a man and woman in their 50's, dressed like they were teenagers, turned around and glanced our way. Their faces were horribly sad, eyes glazed over and both of them working on a cigarette in one hand and one of many beers in another. They had the worn down look that life had beaten them up a few times over.

It got me thinking. Life is hard sometimes and can really toss us around. People get sick, family members pass away, money gets tight and the list just goes on of all the possible hurts of this world. I was reminded of how weary life can get ya when the valleys seem to get deeper and deeper and the mountains are lost in the fog of life.

The thing that hit me the hardest in those brief few moments was that I am so glad that I don't need to go and bury my heart in a bottle of beer. I have the Lord. What I thought I was going to see the other night was a few funny people dancing drunk and looking stupid. In reality what I saw was a lot of people who are bearing the weight of their sin and this world on their own shoulders with the help of a drink that will take it all away......temporarily that is.

When you do not have a view of this world through the cross everything seems to look dark and full of despair. No doubt those people need the Lord and it should not make me laugh; it should make me sad to see.

I walked away from those brief few moments thankful for what I have in the Lord. Nothing can come into my life that is not first ordered by God for me and my good. I can trust in that; I don't need anything in this world to help me get by or numb the pain. It is sad to think that many are trusting in the help of a drug, drink or even relationship to give them peace. It can only be found at the foot of the cross.

My Heart Is Hopping!

2011-06-04T21:49:00.002+08:00

My family leaves today at 8:00 PM and will be here
tomorrow night!

10:00 PM Sunday night
Detroit Metro Airport
Baggage Claim
Baggage Belt # 2
4 tired travelers with lots of luggage
1 Happy wife/mother
1 Happy son/brother
We could just classify this as a family reunion

I cannot wait!

Congratulations Are In Order

2011-06-02T06:49:00.005+08:00

This post is dedicated to my oldest daughter
Kylie Beth Selstad
On the day she graduates from High School

18 years ago today I was anxiously awaiting the birth of my second child. I hoped for a girl just because I wanted my shot at dressing her up in frilly pink dresses and bows. My pregnancy with Kylie was very difficult and ran the full gamete of emotions. Early on in my pregnancy the doctor said that this baby was going to have serious health problems, ones that would prompt some parents to abort. We had some tests run and the outcomes pointed towards a child with birth defects. The doctor, in a very clinical fashion, suggested an abortion as a possibility should we desire to go that route. My husband and I were very much against such measures and determined to proceed with what the Lord would give us in our baby trusting in His Wisdom and Grace. I went through a multitude of ultrasounds and each time they would point out what seemed to be problems with the development of the fetus. Each time I went in for an ultrasound it was a painful time for us. I grew to dread them. We waited for the time they would say OOPS we were wrong but it always ended the same "we will have to wait until the baby is born to see". So we waited....until July 9th, 1993 the day Kylie Beth came into our lives.

Well today Kylie is a healthy, beautiful woman and God graciously took care of her body and mind as she developed. She is genuinely one of the nicest people you would ever meet. She cares for the needs of others and thinks outside of herself. I am so thankful for the testimony that Kylie has maintained in her years as a high schooler and for her willingness to live for the benefit of others.

5 and a half years ago we sat in our living room and told our children we were moving to China. Needless to say it was a difficult day for the kids and I think it ended up being worse for us as parents watching them struggle with this decision. I can honestly say we almost wondered if it was a good idea after we saw their reaction. Fast forward to five and half years later and it amazes me that it is hard for Kylie to now leave this place she has grown to call home. She is a proficient chopstick user, the family hot and spicy foods eater, linguistically accomplished, open to many cultures, willing to try something strange or new, all grown up woman. I am so thankful for how she tackled the tasks of learning and adjusting to life in China. It is a sad thing that she might cry over leaving and yet, in a strangely parental way, I am pleased to know that she did, in fact, adjust. It is apparent. She took the hard steps of being willing and found a world that she enjoyed and embraced in many ways. We often say she is part Asian.

Yes, as you can tell, I am mighty proud of her today. My heart breaks to not be there to stand up and cheer for her as she receives a little bit of earthly well done. She has studied hard, worked at whatever was put in front of her and was by no means a complainer when things got hard. I wish I was there with her tonight to see her cross this finish line. I am anxious to see how God uses Kylie down the road.

Kylie, I will think of you tonight as you receive your diploma and finish this phase of life. You are moving on to the next thing that He has for you to do. Embrace this change the way you did 5 years ago. Lean on Him to enable you to adjust and handle the things He has for you to do. Serve the Lord your God and follow Him. There is no higher calling and no greater joy. He will direct your paths, just keep your eyes fixed on Him.

I love you
Mom

There Are Storms All Around Us

2011-05-26T22:37:00.002+08:00

Last night sleep eluded me. As hard as I tried it just didn't happen. Part of it was a gazillion thoughts rolling through my head and the other part was a big storm that was brewing outside my bedroom window. The lightning lit up my room, the thunder shook everything around me and the rain was just plain fun to listen to as it poured for hours. :) I was missing having my weather bug husband there to make his funny remarks and then hop out of bed and watch it from the window.

I was lying in bed thinking about this song posted below. The words popped into my head because it makes reference to storms. The song was referring to the storms of life. I was thinking of this particular song because it was a good picture of what was going on around me last night. A whopper of a storm can shake you up sometimes. The storm outside me last night made me think "woa" a couple of times when the thunder was blasting and the sky was lighting up. It can be that way with the storms of life. They can blast their way into your cozy little world and shake you from the inside out. In an instant your whole life could change and suddenly you find yourself grasping for a word to settle your soul.

That is what made me think of this song last night. In this song the phrase "though this life is hard, know that I will always give you perfect peace". In the midst of the storms of life we must keep on eyes on the Lord. In Him is the only source of comfort and peace. People are a great source of encouragement but at the end of the day they go to their home and you to yours. They can't be with you with each step you take. But when you are lying in bed alone, in the middle the night, and the storms are blasting out your bedroom window or perhaps in the deep recesses of your soul; God will give you perfect peace.

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3

What Is Ahead....

2011-05-24T23:07:00.002+08:00

In twelve days my family will be here and we will have a chance to celebrate Kylie's graduation as well. I am glad for this opportunity since I will be missing her actual graduation. It breaks my heart to miss out on her special day and yet I am glad to know that very soon I will have them back with me. I miss them that is for certain.

It has been nice having Caleb home from college. He is always fun to have around :) It has been a welcomed diversion from the fact that I have been missing Hal and the girls. It has been one of the perks of being here that I could have this time with Caleb.

So 12 more days to go....I think I can make it till then.

The Countdown

2011-05-20T00:33:00.003+08:00

Yes I have been marking off the days till I get to see my family. They have had lots of things going on in their lives while I was away from them. I look forward to hearing their stories.

Kylie graduates from high school June 2nd
How can that be? I will miss seeing her graduate but I take consolation that she has her dad with her. I could not have asked for a better man to be the father to my children. I have been amazed at how he has handled caring for them while I have been away. He has the perfect heart to raise kids and daughters can be hard for some men. He just knows how to handle them with a good balance. I am truly blessed.

17 days till my family arrives

It cannot
come
quick
enough!

Keepin Track Of Time

2011-05-17T09:57:00.002+08:00

20 Days Till My Family Arrives and NO I Am Not Excited
:0)

I am looking forward to standing at the baggage claim at DTW airport and seeing my family!

just countin down the days.....

On Being Numb

2011-05-10T22:54:00.003+08:00

Today I had an early morning appointment at the Oral Surgeons office. Last week the surgeon gave me a new partial denture to begin wearing now that I have healed sufficiently in my jaw line. At the time of surgery the doc used a hard material that he adhered to my new bone before he covered it up with gum tissue and closed me up. That material reabsorbs into the body normally but has been hanging around longer than they had hoped for so it has started to splinter off and out through my gum tissue. This keeps the gum from growing and getting thicker. It has started to cause a bit of grief for me, as a newly assigned denture wearer, and for the surgeon. So today he wanted to take a closer look at that and see if he could remedy the problem.

To fix the problem Doc had to go in and remove some of that stubborn hard substance. He had to open up my gum line to access it. He made mention of the scalpel and I immediately started asking for drugs. yeah, i am such the wimp. He laughs at me now since he is getting used to my panic attacks. Today he said he would have to slice open my gum to get at this crazy problem. I just stared at him; he laughed and said he was going to numb things up a bit. He opted for using a ton of topical analgesic so that he did not have to give me a shot into an already damaged set of gums. He used a TON of that numbing gunk. Unfortunately I get nervous when I hear him putting on gloves and I start to swallow hard so when he used that gel I guess I swallowed hard and fast. It went down my throat and numbed all the way to the back of my throat. I could not feel myself swallow. weirdness. My tongue, lips, and throat were numb....completely numb. I decided after a bit that it was better to be on numbness overdrive than to feel him cutting my gums. So yes, today numb was good.

Now I have to say I enjoy the ladies in docs office. We have, unfortunately due to my current health situation, spent a lot of quality time together. Weekly appointments and procedures are cause for some serious bonding. We counted today and the surgeon has put me under anesthesia 4 times; twice in his office and twice in the hospital. Hmmm what does that tell me. He wants me out like a light. :) They are a great group in that office and it is a common consensus that I should just be working there since I visit so frequently. Anyway, today the doc cut back my gum and removed the hardened substance that has, up until this point, been protecting my new jaw bone.

Talk about freaky.....he was pulling that stuff off my jawbone and clinking it into a metal bowl. Strangest thing for me to watch him pull the stuff off my jawbone and simply discard it. Not to mention he took a lot of it. I am exceedingly thankful for that numbing stuff....big time happy I didn't feel it. He even said I sat unusually still. I told him to stock up on the numb-ey stuff cuz I like it and he should plan to use it all the time on me.

As much as I cannot stand these types of appointments I must say that it was also a good thing. You see today he was, with scalpel and clippers, smack dab up against my new jaw bone. He was able to get a really close look and, in fact, put it to the test a bit today by the pressure he applied to it. The conclusion is that the bone is tough as nails. WOO HOO. THAT is what I want to hear. I like knowing that my jaw bone isn't gonna plop out on my plate one day.

Next step........we start to plan for some teeth. Meanwhile we wait for healing. Patience is the name of this game!

Fun Stuff

2011-05-05T00:34:00.002+08:00

One of the many reasons I miss my husband. He can always make me laugh.

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Embassy Warnings

2011-05-03T10:47:00.002+08:00

Whenever there are national events that take place the US Embassy will issue a statement to expats living inside China. They send these out when there are potentially threatening situations that have arisen worldwide that might effect the lives of Americans living in China. Other embassy offices around the world issue similar warnings. When we settled into China the US Embassy asks that we register so they know where we are and can easily contact US citizens should a national emergency arise. It is a nice service that they offer. With recent current events abroad the Embassy issued us a warning today via email. Although there is no immediate danger at this point they are just saying there is always a possibility of retaliation against American citizens. Since China borders several countries that are involved in the current crisis we are notified with this message. AGAIN there is NO current danger to our family or friends I just thought you would like to read the warning. It is interesting how the events in country can trickle down to US citizens living abroad.

The U.S. Embassy and Consulates General in China are sharing the
following Worldwide Travel Alert that was issued by the State Department
on May 2, 2011 to all U.S. citizens for their information. Please share
this message with other U.S. citizens in your organizations or to other
Americans you know.

The U.S. Department of State alerts U.S. citizens traveling and residing
abroad to the enhanced potential for anti-American violence following
recent counter-terrorism activity in Pakistan. Given the uncertainty
and volatility of the current situation, U.S. citizens in areas where
recent events could cause anti-American violence are strongly urged to
limit their travel outside of their homes and hotels and avoid mass
gatherings and demonstrations. U.S. citizens should stay current with
media coverage of local events and be aware of their surroundings at all
times. This Travel Alert expires August 1, 2011.

Hitting The Wall

2011-05-01T03:44:00.004+08:00

A friend sent this to me the other day. Check out this blog post hitting a wall with some good thoughts on how we need to look at the stubborn spots in our lives. Those times when we sit there thinking "I cannot possibly handle this" and God graciously does not allow us out of the situation but rather requires us to trust Him in simple faith and obedience. It is one of the most undesirable spots in life to be; that place where you have to totally depend on something or someone else. I personally like taking control of things and getting the job done. I don't really like to have to wait on someone else for help. I must confess that does include God sometimes. Waiting on Him is hard

My wall is here; I am trying to find a way around it. I am grateful though because God has given me this "there is no way out of this one you HAVE to go through it" time. It has forced me to reflect and agree with God and His Word. He will be my strong tower, my shield and refuge. He promises this. All that He has promised He will do. Hands down, no question about it.

It is all about believing God. It is a matter of trusting.

When you hit the wall; its hard to trust.

Sometimes those walls are the best thing for me.

We serve a Faithful God

Blessings........

2011-04-29T11:32:00.004+08:00

For my family back home;
Love you and miss you
Can't wait to be with you again
38 more days

Blessings
Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Looking At Hebrews

2011-04-27T10:49:00.002+08:00

I have been taking a closer look at a few verses these past few weeks. I like looking at verses in several translations and noting the differences in how they are worded. Here is an example of one of the verses I have been thinking on and looking at:

Hebrews 12:11

New International Version (©1984)
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

English Standard Version (©2001)
For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

Every which way you look at this verse the promise stands out; peaceful fruit of righteousness. In order for that to come about you have to be willing to learn from the disciplining work of God in your life first. Not always easy to do but that is where faith comes into play. Learning to trust that God is, indeed, working on our lives for His purposes, for our good and ultimately so we can bring Him Glory is sometimes a very difficult lesson to come by. Little by little, inch by inch............

The Nitty Gritty --AKA-- Harsh Realites

2011-04-25T06:50:00.011+08:00

I am in the middle of it. The hard part has arrived. I knew it would, I told myself it would, I even mapped out when the attack would occur. The harsh reality is this; I am starting to feel back in the game mentally but my body does not agree. My mind is willing but my flesh is still worn out.

When it was in the first month post surgery I did three things consistently and ONLY....I slept (ALOT), I took drugs (ALOT) and I drank Ensure. I did that around the clock for weeeeks. BUT now that time has passed and I am able to be up and around. I just can't seem to do it at the pace that I want and it bugs the daylights out of me!! How is that for laying it out on the line. :-)

Some would say well if you are able to be up and about that is good right? You are feeling better. I would say Absolutely! The reason it falls into the Harsh Realities category is because that means time does not go by quick enough this way. When I slept the days away or dozed in the recliner all day in between shots of liquid Vicodin I didn't have a clue what day it was nor did I have a care in the world. Now the days drag and there is that constant reminder that I am still a long ways away from seeing my family. I think that is the bottom of all the lines. I miss them. It's hard.

Today was Easter Sunday and my family was gathered for the service and dinner. It was nice to be able to participate this year instead of being on the other side of the globe and hearing how much fun they had. I got to be here. It was nice.

While we sat there eating at dinner today it hit me (and distracted me) that I wish my own family was here to enjoy it too. I looked down our table and thought of myself as that odd man out. No spouse, no kids just me and my funky body that is a mess right now. I missed them today. It was hard.

I don't mean to complain nor do I bemoan the fact that I am here. I am able to get the medical treatment that I need. I need it for some very important reasons too. I am so grateful to be able to have it done here. I just miss my life and routine and husband and kids and even my dog. Yes, I miss that spastic little white fluffy creature that chews up things when I am not looking. I miss me some Jack. Its just hard.

Since I am laying it out flat in this post I would be remiss if I did not take it a step further and say that I miss the comforts of my own home and life. If there is one thing I am learning about myself is that I love my comfort. I put it first a lot. In fact, too much I am afraid. It's not good.

So when I have a day that heads down this line of thinking I have to step on the brakes fast. I caught myself today slamming on the old mental brakes big time. As I sat at the table with my family I realized something big. I want things the way I want them, plain and simple. I wanted 4 more people at that table! I wanted to eat a steak like everyone else. I wanted to throw that stinkin cane across the room. In fact, I wanted a lot of things in those brief few moments of thought. Its just the truth.

Thankfully the brakes brought that mental locomotive to a complete halt with a short lag in time. I was on the track and headed straight to nothing but frustration and discontentment. I had to stop that engine before it took me to "no place good" and fast. It was hard.

The harsh reality is this; I am where I am because it is where God put me. Do I like everything about it? No ~~~Do I doubt it is best? Sometimes ~~~Do I wish it were different? Oh yeah! ~~~Do I trust in Gods wisdom and sovereignty? Absolutely!......... It's still hard.

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

What Won't I Be Doing....

2011-04-22T10:38:00.003+08:00

Today I saw the surgeon for my weekly appointment. He pulled some tricks out of his bag today that, had I know it was coming, might have cancelled the appointment . :)

Today he pulled out a drill and shaved down some of the bone that is exposed outside of the gum tissue. He cut away some of the gum tissue that had died and was no longer useful. When he finished working on me my hands were soaked in sweat and so was my face. I am so sensitive in my mouth and jaw area right now that the sight of him coming towards me made me freak out. I begged him to knock me out; no such luck. He laughed and said this won't hurt. That is what they all say. :) It actually did not hurt but just made me nervous. I have never been a fan of dental work! Wimp that I am!

Today as I was leaving my doctor and I discussed my hip and the fact that it is taking some time to heal. I still struggle with walking for very long without it getting tired and hurting. It is frustrating and at times keeps me awake at night when I have done too much during the course of the day. So today my doctor told me that I have to take it slower. I am 5 weeks post op and typically the nagging pain in this hip lasts more into 4 months according to the doc. Yeah, my expectations have been a bit too high I suppose. So I need to back it down some. Ugh.....that is just not easy for me.

As I was leaving the exam room today the doc was joking with me about needing to take it slower as I recover. He reminded me, yet again, that I had some significant surgery done on this troublesome hip of mine! He said that since I am walking around with one of my hips having half the bone missing I need to settle down a little about what I anticipate I can do.

I laughed when he told me that I need to lay off the salsa dancing...... :-) No I won't be doing that any time soon!

I am Mobilized

2011-04-19T00:49:00.003+08:00

I have been up and around more lately. I managed two services at church yesterday which was good to be able to do. I napped in the afternoon and I have to admit it was a stretch to go to the service. I was tired and so was my hip and leg.

Yesterday at church I had a lot of people ask me why I walk with a cane. Most asked me if I had injured myself in addition to my jaw surgery. I had to remind them that the bone that was put in my jaw bone came from somewhere. My hip was that somewhere. I was warned by the doctor that my hip would hurt for a long time to come after the surgery. Some have permanent pain, others have partial numbness because the main artery and nerves run right along where my incision on the hip is. I have been blessed that thus far I am further along than the doctor had expected and doing quite well. When the bone was removed from my hip he did a lateral incision of the iliac crest and removed half of that bone and a large section of it up and down. They typically only do hip grafts when they require a large amount of bone. When that bone is gone it takes time to regrow. During that regrowth period there is hip and leg weakness and you have to guard it until the existing section of bone is strengthened. It still amazes me that part of my hip is in my jaw! wow

After surgery the doctor told my Hal and my mom that my walking would be slow coming back and that most likely my foot would drag. Thankfully my foot did not drag and I did not have any of the possible effects of the surgery. I have been thankful for the recovery although it is always slower than any patient would want. :)

Last night I was lying in bed feeling the effects of the day. I was up and around on my leg and so it was achy and sore last night. I passed up the option to take more pain medication because I am trying to get off of that completely. I am in the weaning process after having taken some strong stuff since surgery. Some days I feel great and other days I feel like I just need to gut it out.

Being mobile is a good thing for me. I enjoyed being in church and the preaching. We are spoiled with that at our church and so when you can't go you do miss it. I can't stand during the song service yet and my singing isn't coming easy because of my jaw. Last year when I had the surgery that scared me because I was afraid that it was permanent. I have since learned that the swelling is in the jaw and joints and that is what inhibits the opening of the jaw to sing. I had a hard time keeping up with the tempo and it was frustrating for someone who likes to sing. Once that swelling goes down it is no longer a problem. That swelling just takes a long time. I am still swollen in the chin and one side so time will resolve it I am confident.

So I am trying to pace myself but I am glad to be on the move some. The cane is not enjoyable but it does help me to bear weight on my leg and spend more time on my feet. Yep, I am mobile again....for better or for worse I am on the move :)

Not Something You See Everyday

2011-04-15T13:01:00.003+08:00

Last night as I was getting ready for bed I had a weird experience. After I finished brushing (ever so gently) my teeth and rinsing with salt water, to help the healing process on my gums, something fell into the sink. First I felt it in my mouth and then I saw it hit the sink. It was pieces of bone. Of course it scared me because that is not something ya see everyday after a normal tooth brushing session. Then again, nothing related to my mouth is normal right now. :)

I picked up the pieces and then checked inside my mouth to see that it was, in fact, some of the exposed pieces of bone in my jaw. Since my surgeon was not able to cover it all when he attempted to fix it last week there are several pieces of bone in my jaw that are not covered with gum tissue. He had warned me that since the bone is not covered there is a big chance that the bone will die off. The bone does not have adequate blood supply flowing through it so it eventually dries up, grows brittle and disintegrates. That is why it felt like a clumps of hardened sand and fell easily out of my mouth.

I called the doctors office this morning and they verified that it is not surprising that the bone fell. I just wanted to check to be sure. It is dead bone now so it eventually just pulls away from the jaw and made it's way down the drain. Not after first giving me a scare.

It is a disappointment because we did, indeedm hope for a 100% success on the bone graft. We now know that is not going to be the case. I am praying that the bone beneath the gum tissue is growing and fusing as well as gaining strength. It is what we need to move forward in the reconstruction. I would love to hear down the road that the bulk of the bone remained and is usable for implants. It is in the Lords hands. Only He can determine how my body responds. We will wait and see.

So yes, it is not something you see everyday...a chunk of your hip hitting the bathroom sink after you brush your teeth. Wrap your brain around that one! It was odd, scary, frustrating and disappointing but part of the deal. There hasn't been much in this process that has been normal so I should not be surprise at the twists and turns.

I gotta confess I don't wanna see that again!

Time

2011-04-12T10:37:00.003+08:00

I am feeling better each day. The last few days have been my best. The gum tissue has pulled away from my new bone and, although the doctor has repaired it as best he can, he was not able to fix it all. So our next step is to just wait and pray that the bone itself remains viable despite the lack of gum tissue. Meanwhile I rinse it many times a day in salt water and peroxide keeping it clean and waiting for the rest of the tissue to heal. Yes, that rinse is disgusting and I am growing tired of tasting salt water all the time ewwww! The chance of the bone remaining viable is just 50/50 so we wait. The doc said he has seen it swing both ways. If it fails then he will go back in and remove it. We decide at that point how much of the bone can remain and if enough of the bone mass was preserved to allow for implants. YES I am praying it holds. I would love to eat normally again some day. The idea of biting into a hamburger appeals to me . :)

I really am doing well. At times I get frustrated with how slow this process is. I have to remind myself I am doing very well for the amount of time is has been...34 days post surgery and my hip is improving and my mouth is healing up. These are blessings and should be thought of that way.

IN OTHER RANDOM NEWS:

Today is Monday, April 11th, 2011 and the date that my family returns here to see me is Sunday, June 5th, 2011. I decided to put the dates into a duration calculator to figure out how long I have to wait till I see my family. The outcome is below.

I look forward to having my family back with me. I think the verse "It is not good for man to be alone" should also apply to women as well. :-)

Can you tell the wait is getting to me?

Duration calculation results

From and including: Monday, April 11, 2011
To, but not including : Sunday, June 5, 2011

It is 55 days from the start date to the end date, but not including the end date

Or 1 month, 25 days excluding the end date

Alternative time units

55 days can be converted to one of these units:

4,752,000 seconds
79,200 minutes
1320 hours
7 weeks (rounded down)

2011-04-04T11:31:00.002+08:00

I have more surgery scheduled for tomorrow. I was joking with the surgeon last week that this will be the fourth time he has knocked me out and done surgery on me. I am getting to be a pro at this. I will admit I am not a fan of anaesthesia and, in fact, it is the worst part of the deal for me. I just get all jittery about the idea of them knocking me out and having complete control of things. BUT on the other hand I dont want to be awake for what they are doing. I dont even want to know all that they do!

Please pray that this surgery will be able to fix the tissue that is pulled away from the bone so that the bone graft will not be harmed. It was a lot of trouble getting that bone out of my hip and into my jaw so I dont want that surgery to have been for nothing. I am hoping for teeth to be implanted someday and we need that bone graft to take in order for that to be possible.

If you think of it please pray that the surgery is successful and that the grafts can be salvaged.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (John 14.27)

The Road To Recovery

2011-04-02T11:27:00.002+08:00

The road to recovery...is long. Its been 24 days since surgery and although I am moving along nicely I am not healing fast enough for me. I guess that is normal though. Its never fun being on a liquid diet and house arrest. :)

I have seen great improvement in my pain as long as I keep the pain killers in my system. The doctor has taken me down off the two stronger medications and I am now on just one narcotic and another med that is not strong. That is improvement for me because it allows me some more awake time. The other medications knocked me out for most of the day which was not bad initially but now I am wanting to be up and moving around more. I have been able to walk around the house but still limp. I can't walk for very long without my leg hurting and tiring out easily. The doc said that will take time to strengthen again and heal. The hip is the hardest part. I was warned of that and now I can say YEP they were right! I have been surprised at how quickly it is healing considering the fact that they took a lot out of that hip bone. It will also regenerate with time and actually grow in stronger. Wow, the human body is amazing!

This week I saw the surgeon and as he was looking at my grafts in my mouth he found that one area of the gum tissue is pulling away and breaking down. This is a big problem because that tissue is necessary to cover and protect the newly grafted bone beneath. If the tissue fails, the bone graft will fail. Prior to surgery the doctor told me that the wound healing and care would be the greatest challenge he would be dealing with. He wanted to protect and baby the tissue regrowth. As a result of the grafting the gum tissue was stretched and replaced and therefore it is a delicate area to be handling. We need to keep a close eye on its progress.

Because the gum tissue breaking down the surgeon will need to go in and patch the area that is pulling away. This would allow the gum tissue to adhere and also protect the bone graft beneath. The biggest drawback to the surgery is that the patch itself has to be attached to the surrounding tissue which could, in fact, cause that tissue to also fail. So it is important that he is careful and that the patch adheres easily. Yep, you got it...lots of variables to consider.

So as you think of it please pray for me and my surgeon on Monday, April 3rd at 8:30. Lord willing he will be able to attach the patch and salvage the gum tissue.

Hal and I were talking the other night about how the Lord has provided and directed in each step of this from the tumor discovery right up until the reconstruction process. It is truly a comfort to know that His care and direction will continue the rest of the way! God really does supply all of our needs. For me, right now, my biggest need is healing and what a comfort to know that God is the Great Physician. The outcome of my situation is totally in His hands. I am glad to leave it there.

The road to recovery continues. I am thankful for Gods grace for each step of the journey!

Where I've Been and Where I am Now

2011-03-24T22:27:00.002+08:00

I was thinking yesterday as I was getting up out of bed how much easier it has been the last few days to do it by myself. Since surgery on my hip I have had a hard time getting my leg over and into bed so either someone has to help me or it took a very long time to do it myself. It hit me yesterday that its getting easier and hurting less. One of my small victories thus far!

Its been 2 weeks since surgery and, although I feel like I am on house arrest and moving at a snails pace as far as recovery, I am seeing progress. I still need to take medications through the night for pain but doc said maybe next week we could stop that. It would be nice to not have to set an alarm and take a pill. If I dont take it during the night I have a rough time of it by the morning and we need to keep the pain under control because if we dont it is much harder to settle it down. So the doc said we have to keep it steady in my system. I am on a new painkiller the last few days that does last a bit longer so hopefully it will start to allow me to sleep all through the night.

I have found my mouth to be less painful after this surgery than the first one but my mouth is numbed permanently in a lot of places from the last surgery so it might actually come in handy for me in that respect. Last time the teeth being extracted caused a lot of pain for me and was harder to work around than this time. After this surgery I do have a lot more stitches, screws and etc but they dont get in my way as much as the teeth removal ones did.

After surgery I could not walk without a lot of help. I had a pain pump in for the first week so the pain was masked which actually made it easier to be up on my feet. Once the pump was out the pain started to come back gradually over the next few days. Now I do feel my hip but it usually responds well to the pain medication and is easily relieved. I can't be up and around for very long, though, without feeling it and my hip and leg get really tired easily. Using a cane helps me to take some of the pressure off my hip and just reminds me I am getting old. First I got a set of dentures and now a cane....what is next?

Overall I get easily frustrated with being down so long. I am not one that easily handles the lack of independence very well. I have manages to see the progress that is coming along and when I do I try to think on that. I also try to remind myself how fortunate I am to have been able to have these things done. All the materials that were used during my surgery were created in the last 10 years. The special type of stitches the disolveable screws and etc are all new on the market. All of these new things allows for an easier and more effective healing.

I am healing well all points considered. Where I was two weeks ago post surgery until now is a big difference. Sometimes when you spend this amount of time in your pj's watching tv it gets old and easy to think you are not making progress. I am moving along....slowly but surely.

On Pain and Killing It

2011-03-19T12:47:00.002+08:00

One of the things I have been dealing with this week is pain management. I have heard the term used and have experienced the goods and bads of managing pain. My doctor has been doing a great job of staying on top of this issue for me. The pain associated with Oral/Maxillofacial surgery, they say, is amongst the hardest to deal with. I was just reading through some articles on it today and now I can wholeheartedly say they are right! Its the kind of pain that leaves the rest of your body hurting. For my situation if the pain gets out of control my head starts to pound and I can feel my heartbeat in my ears. It just takes over my whole body. That is why the pain management issue is huge to me right now. I have two sites that have been operated on and both of them are causing pain of varying degrees.

My doc has me on two different narcotics to help control the pain. One is a pill and the other is a liquid. The liquid is used in between the pill doses to give me a quick relief from the onset of pain that hits before the next pill is due. Today was just one of those more pain than usual kinda days. Hopefully tomorrow it will settle.

I have been trying to be up and around a bit more but the doc said I am trying too hard and I need to slow down. I was bummed but I do see what he is saying because my hip is hurting more. I started using the cane and I think that has helped. It does take some of the pressure off that leg and hip. Its not the most fashionable thing to waltz around with but we do what we gotta do.

Over all I am glad for how well I am doing. It is a hard one for me to know how to judge. I think I want to move it along and its just not that simple. My doc is happy with my progress so I need to trust in his judgement on these things. A doctor I am not.

My mom is quite the nurse. She keeps my supply of ice cream flowing and has an excel spreadsheet for my meds so she knows what I need to take and when. She is on top of it and making sure I behave as well.

The post op pain is never fun but I am thankful that we have some great medicines to help get me through. Ok I gotta confess....Cable TV helps too!

This Week

2011-03-06T07:18:00.007+08:00

In a few hours my husband will land in Detroit. I am so thankful that he was willing to hop on a plane and come to be with me for my surgery. Flying from the other side of the world is a long hard day and he wanted to come and be with me. I didn't ask...he told me "I am going to be with you". I love him. He really does take very good care of me. I would have never asked him to come; he knew that, and yet I am glad that he will be here.

I was told this week that my surgery would be rough and the recovery from it rough as well. Although it was not the news I was wanting or even really anticipating (I think I was blocking that part out of my mind) I am grateful that my doctors shot straight with me so I would know what to expect. It is just one of those "get through this" kind deals. It was not the most positive of conversations but now I know where things stand. God, of course, will determine the outcome and I will trust in that.

My surgery is Tuesday at 7:30 in the morning. I don't like doing most anything in the morning and so this day will be no different. So if you have clicked on this blog randomly, or you know me well, or you just like reading the ramblings of a crazy woman who lives in China but has some strange health issues.....if you are so inclined please pray for me on Tuesday. Pray for my doctors to have wisdom and my body to cooperate. Pray my surgeon can get all the bone that he needs from my hip. Pray that my bone is strong and viable. Pray that my jaw can handle the pressure of the screwing in of new bone. While you are at this list pray that all the other details fall nicely into place and the pain killers work! Ah yes, pain killers.....pray I get a huge bottle of them!

Despite the frustrations of having this surgery I have been blessed to see the Lord work out details all along the way. Great doctors, great family and friends offering up amazing support and enough good health to be able to handle this type of surgery. It is not my idea of a vacation but as of Tuesday I am officially in a long "time out".

After Tuesday I wont be walking fast anytime soon and I wont be eating anything beyond liquids for quite some time. I am being set aside for a time to rest and get better. I am not good at that kind of thing but God knows I need it at this juncture in my life. He will take care of the details; the kids, the husband, my home and the things that I normally do each day. He knows, better than I, what I need. I will trust in that. God is God; and God is good. I will allow Him to be God, in my life, and trust continually in His goodness.

Moving Forward

2011-02-18T13:23:00.002+08:00

The plans for my surgery are moving forward. I have a date to see the surgery team on Feb 28th and then a surgery date, as of right now, for March 8th.

Meanwhile I will be heading to Greenville on Monday to visit my son at college and to enjoy some time with him. I have not been to visit him at college since we dropped him off August of his freshmen year. It will be nice to have the opportunity to have one time to visit with him on campus during his college years. I had not anticipated that I would get to do that but because of having to return for surgery we were able to plan it in advance. I can remember being in college and enjoying it when family would come to visit and we could go out and show them a glimpse of our college life. Mainly it means we got to go off campus and eat at nice restaurants. I am pretty sure that is high on the list of things my son is excited about. So it will be fun.

When I stop and think about it, I get ancy thinking I have to have this done so soon. On the other hand the sooner I have it, the sooner I start the healing process and am ready to have teeth again. It really will be a great feeling to have my jaw and teeth restored and back to complete function again. Just taking one hurdle at a time.

Heading Out

2011-02-14T17:21:00.003+08:00

Tomorrow goes something like this:

Flight from our city to Beijing
Wait in airport, eat some lunch (they have a Burger King in Beijing :) then;
Flight from Beijing to Chicago.
Quick turn around in Chicago then;
Flight from Chicago to Detroit.

At that point I land tired, hungry unsure what time it actually is but happy to be home in the good old U.S. of A. Every time I go through customs I always think to myself how privileged I am to be an American with all its freedoms.

Looking forward to getting this long travel day done and over with. Flying alone has its pro's and cons. For me, on this day....it just reminds me I will miss my family.

The Next Step Up the Hill

2011-02-11T00:14:00.003+08:00

I am breaking my blogging silence because I have some news. I am trying to figure out if I am willing to call it good news. I think it will eventually be good news but right now it does feel like I am prepping for an uphill climb. In many respects it is just that....verrrry up hill!

I got word from my surgeon that they ran my CT scan through the software program at University of Michigan which basically forms a grid for laying out complex Maxillofacial Surgeries. They said that using this program is particularly helpful for planning surgeries like mine because it gives them very specific information regarding bone replacement and when a lot of teeth have to be replaced. Several facets of my surgery will be complex. They have to replace most of the teeth in my lower jaw. They also have to create bone for a big section of my jaw where the tumor ate away at the underlying bone. They also have to come up with something to replace all the gum tissue that was lost as a result of the surgery, tumor and teeth removal process. Right now there is one large hole in my mouth. Recently I had xrays done at the hospital in Beijing and when I saw them I was amazing to think that they could actually fix it! I sure am glad to be living in this day and age.

So sometime the second week of March my surgeon wants to get this show on the road and begin the steps towards fixing the hole in my jaw. He is putting together a team of people to do the job of putting me back together again. It, apparently, takes a village. :) It does mean it is the first step in the process of me getting rid of this prosthetic jaw piece and teeth that I am wearing. It has done the job but I will not be sad to give it up, let me tell you!

The first surgery I will have is a hip bone graft. It is a procedure where the doctor takes bone from the front part of my hip bone and then grafts it to the area of my jaw where the bone is gone. One issue that is going to make this harder is that I have very little bone height left in my jaw where my teeth used to be. That entire section was removed with the tumor. So the doctor will need to create bone height and also thickness enough to sustain screws for new teeth to be implanted. He said the height is the more difficult step and one that requires detailed planning by the surgical team. This issue is why he decided to go with the planning program to be sure he has harvests adequate bone mass.

The second surgery will be several months later once the bone graft has healed sufficiently and the bone pieces have fused well. The surgeon will then use the software program to guide him as he surgically implants the posts for my new teeth. He said it will be a bigger job because I have a lot of teeth to replace which means putting in a lot of metal! After the screws are put in we will pray that my body accepts the material well and there are not rejection problems! We will wait another few months and then he will xray the area to be sure the bone is meshed with the screws.

The third procedure will be to actually put the teeth into the jaw. The teeth and gum tissue are handled by another maxillofacial surgeon who does prostethics. He will create my teeth and also work with me during the surgery and healing process to place material to stimulate gum tissue regrowth. Once the teeth are put in we wait to see that the gums come up around the new teeth and heal well. Voila....a new smile and strong jawbone.

This is where we get towards the bottom of the other side of the hill.....they figure it will take 7 months to do all that if all goes well, my body heals and no infection sets in. Infection is a big issue and one we will have to watch carefully. It could torpedo an entire step so we dont want that!

Did I mention no eating for months.....months.....yuck. I got sick of drinking Ensure last year when I had my first surgery so I am guessing I will be renewing my love for that drink again.

So there you have the outline of my next 7 months. I think I will be spending a lot of time in the recliner with the remote control and sipping slurpees. I told my mom not to cancel her cable tv and On-Demand or I will go crazy!

Please pray for my family as I will be away from them for the first 4 months. They will join me in the states in June after Kylie graduates from high school. The separation is the hardest part of it all. Next Tuesday I take the first step up the hill.....getting on that long plane ride back flying solo again!

Closing Up Shop

2010-12-21T17:46:00.002+08:00

I have decided to close up this blog for now. I have no idea how to take it down off the web so eventually it will disappear when I figure that out. I have come to realize that it is no longer, for me, about life in China which was my original intent the first several years living here. This past year and its struggles have taken over my world in many ways and also my blog. I suppose it is not all that encouraging for any of you to read about my day to day struggles. I must say I have been so very appreciative of your emails and words of encouragement along the way. I have been surprised by how many people have told me they are reading and have given me their feedback. Thank you to all who have been out there for the last 4 years of my blah blah blah blogging. In many ways some of you got me through the first year or so with your helpful suggestions, multitudes of recipes and for your willingness to laugh with me through the adjustments and transitions of life here. It has indeed been quite a journey.

The journey continues and there is much that still lies ahead for us. Please continue to pr@y for us.

Another Year Flies By......

2010-12-16T08:33:00.002+08:00

Happy Anniversary to Us!

I am thankful for my husband and how he leads our family. I have been blessed in an amazing way to have been given such a great Christmas gift 21 years ago. We have much to be thankful for and have been recipients of many blessings and a whole lot of Grace during our years together.

There have been tremendous "highs" with three great kids and many special memories attached to them. God was good to us then by giving us what we most certainly never deserved.

There have been storms; big ones that felt like they were going to blow us over but G0d was good to us and brought us through the difficult times. He was faithful to us even when we may have been tempted to doubt he was even there.

There has been one constant in these last 21 years. Gods love for us which enabled us to continue to love each other.

Happy Anniversary to my best friend!

Whats Next?

2010-12-14T00:28:00.002+08:00

Next week our family heads to Beijing for some down time over the holidays. Our girls are done this week with exams and so we are headed out of town for a get away. I look forward to having the time away and to just enjoy our family. The girls are excited and Hal has been working like crazy this week so that he can just put it all aside and chill with us out of town. We are taking the train, which we all love to do, and will enjoy some good ole American food while in the big city.

While in Beijing I will also schedule in a time to have a CT scan done of my jaw and face. This scan will be sent to my surgeon in the states who will input the CT scan findings into a special software program designed to determine which surgery serve as the best option for me to have the reconstruction on my jaw and to restore teeth as well. This software can literally map out a blueprint of the surgery options and what is needed to achieve the maximum bone depth and height. The bone growth is key to making it possible for me to have teeth implanted. I am anxious to hear from him what the findings are. I have been blessed to have a great surgeon who works with me from this long distance and routinely checks up with me via email to be sure that all is progressing nicely and that we are getting all the proper follow ups on this side of the big pond. He is awesome!

I have found myself on edge about the next steps for my jaw and teeth replacement. My surgeon said the issues are complex because of the large amount of jaw bone that was eaten away from the tumor as well as all he had to remove(most of the gum and a lot of the teeth in my lower jaw) in order to completely get all the tumor. There are multiple issues he will have to address and that could result in multiple surgeries and long recovery. I dread it but want to get this show on the road also. It's a two edged sword for me.

I notice that I struggle a lot with letting my mind drift on into the "what's next" mode of thinking. I am working hard on getting a hold of that because it does me no good to dwell on what if's and maybe's. I know that HE is in control and I have to rest in that. That rest does not come easily at times. I like to plan and think ahead and this does not allow for too much of that. We can't know anything for sure until we have done the waiting first.

So what's next for me? For now, waiting is next. I have to wait and see. Meanwhile we are taking a much needed R&R trek out of town. It will be a good thing for all of us.

Not Feelin So Fine

2010-12-11T22:42:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I was starting to not feel so hot and yet we had plans for about 12 Chinese guests to come over for dinner. I felt bad about the idea of canceling on them. This is a leadership group from one of the local fellowships that Hal has been helping so it is hard to get them all together at once during the week. We kept the evening as planned and I made it through, although pretty exhausted at the end. We had a great time with them and as always were happy they came. They are a wonderful group of committed like minded beleevers who are working hard to be salt and light in this part of the globe. I am glad to have heard some of their stories last night and how we can better encourage them.

Truth be told I felt lousy the entire time they were here in our home but I tried really hard not to show it. I did not want anyone to feel like they were inconveniencing me since Chinese people would be heavily concerned about that. I realized after they left last night that although I was feeling badly and not up to entertaining it was good for me to have pushed through that and seen the other side. It was good to remove the focus from myself and get it on to those around me who are striving to live and bear witness in their every day lives; some of which are enduring very difficult and trying circumstances.

Today I woke up in full blown flu...the achy high fever, sore throat splitting headache kind of stuff. I rested today and Hal took great care of me bringing me breakfast and lunch and everything in between. I suppose the L0rd knew I needed to lay low so the day was summed up in that....a whole lot of nothing.

I am grateful to have pushed through the evening last night because it was good for my heart. Today I was glad to have rested because it was good for the rest of me.

Venturing Out

2010-12-09T19:05:00.002+08:00

Today I went out for some Christmas shopping. I haven't felt much like going out lately but alas the calendar tells me that if I don't I will disappoint some girls in this house so I ventured out...me and a million or so Chinese people were out on the streets shopping.

I managed to get quite a bit of shopping done today and wandered around a new part of town for a while. I have not been to this particular area before and it was interesting to say the least. If you want good prices and to find things all in one area you have to venture out past the city proper and into some interesting neck of the woods. I personally like going to new places and trying to find things and a friend told me that if I, indeed, wanted the best prices I needed to go to this area. She was right I did find what I was looking for and at much better prices.

During my shopping I decided to stop and grab something to eat. I glanced around and saw a very small shop that boasted on their sign that they sold pizza. I figured I would give it a shot. I was the only customer in this shop (which had three tables in it so yes it was small) and yet there were 4 workers all eager to assist me. I gave them my order and then plopped down to rest for a bit. I heard one of the workers on the phone telling someone that a foreigner was in the shop and had just ordered some pizza. She was excited. I, on the other hand, was thinking oh great she is telling her friend to come check me out. ugh....I just wanted to eat in peace a lone.

I was texting back and forth with Hal for a bit and then settled into my table to chill when the pizza quickly came. Now when I say pizza I use that term loooooosely....verrrrry loosely! It was interesting but not too bad. No Little Ceasars mind you but at least it was easy to eat and I asked them to hold the squid. :) While eating my pizza the worker came over with her camera and asked if she could take my picture because she told her manager, on the phone, that I was there and he wanted her to take a picture of me eating the food. This is not the first time for me to have this happen so anymore I just figure if I say yes and get it overwith I might actually get to eat in peace. She was giggly with excitement and snapped several shots of me eating the pizza and drinking my water looking up at her. Who knows where that picture will land? Last time I had my picture taken like that it ended up on a huge billboard so I better keep my eyes peeled around town from here on out. One time a Chinese friend showed me her cell phone picture where she had seen me on a sign and snapped a picture for me to see. I wonder where the royalties check is....I'm thinking not in the mail. :)

You Know You've Lived In China Too Long When....

2010-12-06T23:07:00.002+08:00

You Know You've Lived in China Too Long When...

You think a 30-year-old woman's carrying a Hello Kitty lunch box is cute

All white people look the same to you

You like the smell of the bus

You no longer need tissues to blow your nose

You find Western toilets uncomfortable

You think it’s OK to throw rubbish, including old fridges, from your 18th-floor window

You believe that pressing the button 63 times will make the elevator move faster

You aren’t aware that one is supposed to pay for software

You are not surprised to see your tap water run dark brown

You think that a $7 shirt is a rip-off

You started to buy an XXXL T-shirt in a store when you returned home

You think it’s silly to buy a new bike when it’ll get stolen soon, and stolen bikes are half the price

You feel cheated if you don’t receive a full head and shoulder massage when getting a haircut

You blow your nose or spit on the restaurant floor (of course after making a loud hocking noise)

You no longer wait in line, but go immediately to the head of the queue (=the line)

You no longer wonder how someone who earns US $400.00 per month can drive a Mercedes

You regard it as just part of the adventure when the waiter correctly repeats your order and the cook makes something completely different

You accept the fact that you have to queue to get a number for the next queue

You are not surprised when three men with a ladder show up to change a light bulb

You honk your horn at people because they are in your way as you drive down the sidewalk

You have a pinky fingernail an inch long

You burp in any situation and don’t care

You have absolutely no sense of traffic rules

You start cutting off large vehicles on your bicycle

You go to a local shop in pajamas

You think - pollution, what pollution?

Someone doesn’t stare at you, and you wonder why

You wear out your vehicle’s horn before its brakes

Forks feel funny

Chinese remakes of Western songs sound better than the originals

You get homesick for real Chinese food when away from China

Your handshake is weakening by the day

You have compiled a 3-page list of weird English first names that Chinese people of your acquaintance have chosen for themselves

Your collection of business cards has outgrown your flat

The last time you visited your family, you gave each person your business card

You and a friend get on a bus, sit at opposite ends of the bus, and continue your conversation by yelling from one end to the other

You cannot say a number without making the appropriate hand sign

You start recognizing the Chinese songs on the radio and sing along to them with the taxi driver

You feel insulted when you enter a restaurant and only three greeters welcome you

The best way to know you have been in China too long is when you cant determine if the clothes you are wearing are in fact in style in China or the USA. Or both?

When the River Runs Dry

2010-12-01T23:41:00.002+08:00

Today I was thinking on the serious side of life. I don't venture over to that arena too often because I love to laugh and do typically think most things are funny even when they probably shouldn't be. That is, however, another post for another day. Today, however, I was thinking about life and death. These thoughts have crept up on me much more in the last several months since my father passed away.

Today I got an email about a woman from my home ch*rch that passed away after a long illness. She battled in her body for years and in His timing G0d graciously took her from that battle into his arms. I thought about how years ago as a small child through as an adult my parents were close friends with her and her family. Now within a short span of time both she and my father have gone to be with the L0rd. Last year at this time I would have never imagined this. I just told Hal again today how I cannot believe that all happened as it did for my dad. It caught us all off guard.

One thing I could not get passed thinking today, though, is how when I got up this morning my foot hurt from a stumble yesterday and my back is sore because, well, it just always is and my eyes are dry and painful and then there is the whole issue with having to get up every day and put my teeth in. Its just a list that seems to keep growing and aches and pains keep on hurting. The sad news is this will never end because of where I live. I live in a sin cursed world and so there will always be pain and struggle and I will always feel behind in the battle.

When I first woke up this morning I felt drained. I didn't really want to get up and get to it. I didn't want to look at my to do list and I most certainly didn't want to be cheerful. I just felt empty. It happens doesn't it? You just run out of gas and feel yourself sputtering away and finally boom your engine is dead. That was me at the starting gate today so what hope was there of actually accomplishing much? I just wanted to crawl back into bed and forget about it all.

Well I didn't. I got up and got rolling despite the mental ping pong match going on inside my head. I stretched out the old achin back and I put some eye drops in my crazy eyes and yes I put in my teeth and started the day...I did these things reluctantly I might add but all the while hoping for some credit that I at least did. That is when I sat down with my coffee and opened up my email and saw that our family friend had died. I preyed for their family with a heart that completely understood for the first time how a person might feel to loose their parent. It took me back 6 months in the blink of an eye. I was instantly flooded with all those emotions and reminded of how they would be feeling today. They would most certainly be hurting from head to toe. They feel sick inside for themselves and yet happy that their loved one is in the presence of Jesus. Oh how those extremely diverse emotions are difficult to process.

Today I felt dry and empty when I woke up. Its been a series of ups and downs and today was a dried up river in the midst of drought kind of day.
So what does one do when their river runs dry? I had some work to do in my kitchen and so I pulled up a sermon from our home ch*rch from last week. I had no idea what it was about I just clicked on the next week. What was it about you ask? Rejoicing, grateful praise.......huh? I was having a hard time pulling myself out of bed let alone rejoice about it. Nevertheless I listened on. I was reminded of a lot of things I already know but in the midst of this dry desert sometimes the intensity of the heat can make you forget even the most basic of truths. Oh how easily we mere mortals can forget.

Despite how it started I ended up accomplishing much to take care of my home and family today. I did what I am here to do. I was also reminded of how my heart should respond when the rest of me feels the effects of this sin cursed world. It was a fitting reminder for me in this season. God is good even when everything around me doesn't seem to be. He dispenses good gifts to us even though we wrestle with viewing them as good. He knows what is best and what I need and when. Once again I was reminded that He is G0d and I am not.

An Unusual Request

2010-11-30T08:06:00.002+08:00

Yesterday my Chinese friend told me that a friend of hers (who I do not know) came up with an idea and my friend wanted to ask me about it. My friend said that her friend is doing some decorating and changing her apartment around some so she had an idea. Her friend said she wanted to see my house (she knew my friend was friends with a foreigner) and get some ideas on how a westerner decorates. Her friend was hoping to come and visit my house and look around a little to see how I set out things. Chinese woman do not put special effort into their homes. For the most part their homes are plain and they put very little time into cleaning. Often when Chinese people visit our home they comment on how clean it is. I have had several say WOW when they walk in. To me it is just average and what is necessary for us to be comfortable but since their level of expectation about these things is much lower I suppose it can be surprising. I have visited homes as a guest and been taken back by how much cleaning needed to be done and a bit scared when I had to use the bathroom :) I am not criticizing, mind you, just trying to explain our differences. It is obvious that this is just not high on their list of needful things however they beat us hands down and then some in the hospitality department. We Americans could learn a lot from them about relating and taking care of each other. They really are highly relational. If you ever want to live and work here you will find it necessary to have a relationship with someone before they will open their hearts and minds to your words. In America we can regularly be taught by pstors and teachers whom we hardly know. Here they know you first and then consider whether they will listen to your teaching. You cannot just drop into this country and set up shop as the resident teacher without first getting your feet underneath the tables of the ones with whom you desire to minister. Hal spends hours developing relationships with his students in an effort to understand them. They need to trust that his life is full of what he teaches and they DO evaluate that and notice. Good practice in my opinion to not assume since you are appointed to teach you are going to reach the ones under your charge. Interaction seals the deal.

I have chuckled when we have Chinese people over who have not been here before because they often (as in a lot of the time) will bring their camera's so they can take pictures of our home. I wonder where all those pictures end up?? I have even had people take video's of the decorations on my shelves. It is hard not to smirk when guests arrive and start snapping pictures. :)

So it looks like I will be giving a guided tour of my home soon. My friend told me yesterday that this is the perfect time since my Christmas decorations are up. I suppose I could charge admission but then that would not be very hospitable now would it? :)

Holidays

2010-11-27T10:08:00.002+08:00

One of the things that was hard for me to adjust to when we first moved here is holidays. It dawned on me pretty quickly that we aren't in a place that observes our American holidays. Go figure. :) It was kind of like ...oh, wait....we WORK on Thanksgiving (or Christmas) whats up with that?? Yes since it is indeed OUR holiday and not the Chinese peoples day to observe that means it is just a regular old run of the mill day. That didn't set well with me the first time around. I love holidays and having our family together so that was a hard one for me to fathom...that hal would go off to work and not be home to enjoy the entire holiday off. After all he was supposed to be watching football and coming into the kitchen trying to snag some food. :)

Another aspect of the holidays is that they are great outreach opportunities and so we take full advantage of that. It was hard for me to hand over my quiet family time for a house full of people I dont really know and who are taking pictures of all my things, laughing at the foods we eat and giggling at the prospect of how we celebrate our holiday. Ok call me selfish to the core but I wanted our entire family gathered around the table for a nice Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings and to not have to "work" at entertaining but rather just enjoy my gang. So when holidays became "open house" for us it was hard for me on so many levels. I was already missing my family and so depersonalizing our family time and extending it to a whole bunch of outsiders was cutting straight at the core of my selfish heart. Our first year we had a huge crowd of students to our home and as I prepared a Thanksgiving meal in my kitchen I was wishing it was quiet and just my kids and my family and my.....the list goes on! Yeah it was bad inside me that year. I was frustrated and irritated and tired too. Not to mention the fact that I had to figure out how to make a Thanksgiving feast without an oven. We had two burners, a microwave, a crock pot and then I borrowed a friends crock pot to make two. It was quite a balancing act and a lot of improvising but we got it all done and the WORD went out to a large group of people that year and all the holidays to follow. It was a chance for me to learn something new too......you can share your holidays for the purpose of the G0spel. Yes, I should have known that but it took my personal family holidays to be taken away for me to figure that out.

Lastly holidays for me are hard when family is on the other side of the globe and you know they are laughing, playing games, eating good food and enjoying each other and you are not a part of it anymore. Doubly hard for me is that Caleb is there and we are here. Even harder....another one leaves this year and the harsh reality is we may never all be together for the holidays again for a very, very long time. Its just too expensive to fly the kids home for Christmas. It's the hard stuff accompanied with living abroad.

Holidays are some of the hardest days for me here. I tried this year to make it special as it is Kylie's last one with us. We enjoyed a quiet family Thanksgiving and today will enjoy the prospects of an outreach meal. This year we are able to have both, for which I am doubly thankful!

Thanksgiving this year was special and hard. I was especially thankful this year for how the L0rd brought us through a difficult time with my health and how he allowed it to be far less serious than it could have been. I was spared in a large measure this year and for that I am truly thankful. It was hard because of the passing of my father. He was always the life of the gathering and enjoyed the family all around him. I know he was sorely missed at the gathering my family had back home. I am quite certain it was not the same without him at the head of the table. I know he is where the L0rd wanted him now and that his health is perfect. I am glad for him in that respect but just still sad for us.

We are grateful this holiday season for all that G0d has done for us in so many ways. Holidays here are different but yet still filled with hearts of praise and thanksgiving to the ONE who truly gives good gifts to his undeserving children.

My 500th Post

2010-11-20T11:45:00.002+08:00

This is my 500th post on my blog that I started 4 years ago when this journey began. I have been more keenly aware, recently, of how quickly time has flown for us. I am still amazed that we are into our 5th year here. It has not been without its "upset the fruitbasket" kinda moments but along with those times has also been some very rewarding and exciting times as well. I have been working on focusing on those times and seeing all that HE has done in and around us. Although there seems to be a list of hard things that has piled up over the last 4 years and several months here I would be remiss to not say there is an even longer list of joys. It is that list that I have been writing out and thinking on especially this past week. Although I have often wrestled with the spot I am now in and calling home, when I really am honest I am glad that I am where I am. I suppose typing those words out in cyberspace could mean someone will remind me of them when I hit a low spot and want out of the deal. Be gentle with me please. :)

If I could sum up all of the last 500 blog posts I would have to say G0d is Good. He has been that and so much more to us and I have been able to experience that in a very real way through so many events of the last 4 years. He knows us and yet He still loves us. He cares about the things that are buzzing around in this crazy head of mine and actually listens to them. He brings me along.....that, my friend, is a big job and requires a great deal of patience. He is, indeed, very patient and I know this first hand. Just today I was talking with my husband and the thought popped into my head....G0d loves us, He really truly does.

I recently came across the words to a song. I have NO clue who sings it, how they sing it or even where or why....I just love the words. I love poetry of all varieties and to me songs are just poems attached to a melody. So here are the words that I like and the thing I want to keep before me. Blessed Be Your Name, Oh Lord.


Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

You Know Your In An International Setting When.....

2010-11-16T19:01:00.003+08:00

Today I went to the girls school to help out a friend who teaches Kindergarten there. I sat in on her classroom for her while she was in a meeting to help out the other teacher. It was a lot of fun to be in with my peer group...5 year olds :)

You know you are in an international setting, though, when the children are asked to draw a picture of their home and family and a little boy walks up with his finished product and has a family full of brown faces. The boy a bi-racial mixture of Indian and Italian so, yeah, he was actually browner skinned. It kind of made me chuckle until the chinese teacher told him she was unhappy with the choice of colors for the faces. He asked her "why, what is wrong with it?" and she replied you should make their faces white or yellow. He said "I'm not white or yellow, my skin is brown" and then he put his face up against the cheek of a Korean boy. I was laughing (on the inside) that he did that. The teacher looked around the room and then at me. She didn't get it. It was interesting to note the colors represented....just out of curiosity I asked the teacher later and this was the run down:

1 1/2 Indian and 1/2 Italian (brown faced boy) :)
1 1/2 American and 1/2 Chinese
1 Australian
1 German
2 Korean American
2 Chinese
3 Koreans
1 Indian

Then throw in there one American teacher and one Chinese teacher and it makes for a regular smorgasbord.

After the little boy finished his picture another boy colored his family with red. He was the Indian. When we both laughed he said "i am redder than he is because I am all the way Indian and he is just half".

Yep, you know you are in an international school when stuff like that happens. Ironically I rode home on the school bus after the class was over. I was the only white face on the bus including the driver and bus attendant. Everyone else was Asian in one way or another. I recognized at least 3 languages being spoken while I sat listening and then the bus driver and attendant speak in Chinese to the students (and to me) which makes 4 languages all together. I guess you could say 5 if you count me....but on a rare occasion I did not speak but just sat and listened. It was interesting....and not comments about the me not speaking part! :)

2010-11-14T22:52:00.001+08:00

I RUN TO CHR*ST

I run to Chr*st when chased by fear
And find a refuge sure.
“Believe in me,” His voice I hear;
His words and wounds secure.

I run to Chr*st when torn by grief
And find abundant peace.
“I too had tears,” He gently speaks;
Thus joy and sorrow meet.

_____

I run to Chr*st when worn by life
And find my soul refreshed.
“Come unto Me,” He calls through strife;
Fatigue gives way to rest.

I run to Chr*st when vexed by hell
And find a mighty arm.
“The Devil flees,” the Scriptures tell;
He roars, but cannot harm.

_____

I run to Chr*st when stalked by sin
And find a sure escape.
“Deliver me,” I cry to Him;
Temptation yields to grace.

I run to Chr*st when plagued by shame
And find my one defense.
“I bore G0d’s wrath,” He pleads my case—
My Advocate and Friend.

They Schooled Me

2010-11-05T20:57:00.002+08:00

Ever heard the term "schooled" before? I have heard the kids say that when someone takes them to task or shows them who is boss. Well it happened to me in a gentler form yesterday. I had to go buy some sheets for my bed and the process of having them made turned into a schooling session for me courtesy of about 7 older women. I had no choice but to sit and listen...literally.

I only have one set of sheets for each bed here and not having a dryer that means that when I wash them I have to get them out on the line early enough in the day to get them dried by bedtime. I decided that since winter is fast approaching and when its cold outside things dont dry so well on the line it was perhaps time to break down and get a second set of sheets. Their entire bed making system is different here and that includes the bottom fitted sheet. We have some from America because when we first arrived here the chinese sheets were driving me crazy. They dont have elastic in them so they wont stay on the bed. As soon as we toss and turn a bit in bed it comes untucked and we end up on the boxed spring. Yep, boxed spring....there is no mattress. It is hard as a brick let me tell ya!

So yesterday I went to have a set of sheets made that would be just like the ones I have. In China if you want something "copied" a tailor can make you an exact duplicate, it is that simple and for a fraction of the cost of purchasing them in the states. I decided, however, to not take my one set off the bed but rather go and practice my skill at talking it through with the lady so she could make me another set. Now for me that means studying up on measurements and terms that would be necessary to talk through this issue. I did practice in advance and prepare as well as bring my electronic dictionary with me. :)

I had fun with the ladies and they were very patient with me as I talked through what I wanted. I got a lady that was SUPER willing to talk it through with me and trust me sometimes I have to talk all around the subject to make my self clear. The lady was a great listener and slowed her speech down for me a few times so that I could understand some of her technical questions which included asking me if I wanted piping around the outer edges of the sheets and how far along the seam did I want elastic. That took some big time concentration for me but between the two of us we talked it through and the sheets are truly amazing. They do such great work.

Ok so back to my "schooling".....when we got done negotiating my sheets the lady told me to sit down because they were going to make them while I waited. I assumed I was coming back the next day but she said she had two seamstresses who could get the job done right away. Wow, saved me some time so I sat down and thats when the schooling began.

I had drawn some onlookers when I was talking through the sheets with the lady and the other workers in the shop all gathered around to listen in. They are very sweet and encouraged me that they were understanding and I was "doing well". :) I love it when they help me along like that instead of making me feel like an alien. So while I sat on the stool in the corner of the shop several ladies began explaining to me how a Chinese person makes their bed. Another lady got up from her work to actually show me on their display bed how well it works. The actual system will have to be for another post...for now, just trust me it is different than what we do.

So there I sat a captive audience answering questions like I was on the firing line and giving the elderly ladies a great opportunity to teach me about the Chinese ways. It was actually a great time for me and something that I enjoy....the spontaneous conversations that flow out of life. Towards the end of the sheet making one of the ladies asked me some questions about my life here. While we were chatting an elderly gentleman came into the shop and heard us talking. He stopped and turned to the shop owner and said "she is talking in chinese, what is she?" I kind of giggled inside because I wanted to say "a person". He meant where was I from. The lady told him that we were talking for quite a while. He then replied that he had never heard a foreigner speak chinese before. I introduced myself to him and gave him my stool.

Quickly thereafter my sheets were ready and I thanked all my new friends at the seamstress shop for the kindness and the great talk we had. I learned a gazillion new sewing terms today while hanging with my girls at the shop too. They schooled me on all the words in Chinese that I needed to know in order to make a bed. Fun times!

This is one of those days that reminds me how much I love the people here. Despite our many cultural differences today these ladies treated me like one of their own. They offered me their tea, their stool, a spot in the corner of their shop and as much of their talking time as I could handle. They never laughed at the mistakes I made when speaking and when I stammered for the right word they would kindly tell me to take my time and keep trying. I was warmly invited back again and reminded to keep studying my chinese. Great ladies all around. I absolutely loved it.

Wednesday's Weirdness

2010-11-03T18:52:00.002+08:00

Today I wandered around a relatively new store (for me anyway). I had a good time just checking out what they had and, as always, the crowd at the store. I am a dedicated fan of people watching and for someone like me this is the perfect place to live.

One thing I have learned about shopping here is to keep a good eye on the older ladies and what they put in their carts. You can always tell what a good price is or which brand might be better for the staple foods....flour, rice, sugar and etc. They typically have narrowed in on the brands that are best and for the better price as well. I often will ask them if I don't know. Today I needed rice and it is sold in big bags here. I decided to ask one of the older ladies if the particular brand that was on sale was good. She told me it was a brand she has used for years and the price it was today was very cheap. She suggested I buy a few bags. :) Since I didn't feel like hauling two of that big of a bag I declined. When I told her I couldn't carry them both she said she would carry the bag for me. **insert embarrassed face** She had to be 80 years old and SHE was offering to carry my bags. Oh boy am I soft or what? :-D Oh give me a little break it was a 5kg bag!

As I was moseying down the aisles I stumbled onto the toothpaste sale section. I have not been all that willing to buy toothpaste here since they pulled it all off the shelves a while back because they had a problem with people dying from poisonous toothpaste. Well the fact that they sell green tea and also lemon flavored toothpaste kinda grosses me out too. But they DO sell somewhat normal flavors too. I have brought toothpaste with us from the states up until this year and so when we decided to start using the stuff here I made Hal use the toothpaste first and if he didn't die we used it. :) I figure if it is his decision to not bring it over anymore (come on I love my cinnamon flavored gel toothpaste) then he should be the one to make sure we aren't gonna keel over from it. Seems fair to me. :)

So today while looking at toothpaste an elderly man came over to me and asked if I knew how to use the toothpaste. He held up a tube and said he had not used it before. I glanced at his yellow and brown smile and realized he was not lying to me thats for sure. So in light of his question I picked up a toothbrush and gave him a demonstration. He smiled, bowed and thanked me for my kindness and off he went with his tube of toothpaste sans the toothbrush. I called for him and motioned to the toothbrushes and asked him if he needed one of the toothbrushes too to which he kindly replied...."no I will use my finger but the toothpaste is cheap today".

Ahhh.....folks this is my life. There really is never a dull moment. This morning started off with the power going out at 7:00 AM, staying off most of the day, and it moved on to a toothpaste demonstration in the grocery store. At least I can't say I am bored over here.

Interesting Things Going On

2010-11-01T18:14:00.002+08:00

This past week Kylie was at a volleyball tournament with her school in a city a good distance from ours. She flew there with her team for a tournament of international schools across china. She loves these tournaments and it is always an excellent opportunity for the kids to see other cities and a glimpse of life in other areas of this country. This city is on the top ten largest cities in china so bottom line is they had a dunkin donuts and she was happy. Kids dont really care about a the numbers...just what it will get them. :)

Of particular interest is the growing unrest between this country and Japan. Since there is some fighting between the two right now there are protests in several major cities here against Japan. As a result Kylie's volleyball tournament was abruptly changed to another location the day they arrived because of the protests going on at the location the tournament was being held. The international schools have Japanese students therefore it was not safe for them to be near the protest site. The tournament was going to be held at a university gym that could house several volleyball courts and many teams. They had to move the tournament to outdoor courts because it was short notice. It was definitely colder there than it is here so being outside was not their first choice for sure.

I thought it was interesting today to read about the protests in light of the volleyball tournament situation. Apparently in the larger cities protests were held at universities and larger Japanese establishments. Kylie has Japanese classmates so this makes for some interesting discussions at school. Thankfully she has great teachers who are able to navigate some of the inter-country tensions when the students come to school with strong opinions typically generated by their parents. The tension between the two countries has never died down from a historical perspective. When Hal was teaching on the university level here the students were straightforward in their opinions against the Japanese, although admitting that it simply comes from their history with that country.

So she had an interesting weekend for sure. How many times in America do you just change your tournament venue because two countries aren't getting along? Such is the life of a kid living in another country...we aren't in Kansas thats for sure.

My Dark Night

2010-10-30T11:15:00.002+08:00

Last night was a me-only night. Hal was teaching in another city, the girls were out for the evening and so it was just me and the dog. I was going to go with Hal but my back has been acting up so I stayed home to rest it. That left just me and the dog my faithful companion. :) Shortly after everyone headed out the door the power went out...and stayed out for a looong time. It is a good thing I have candles galore that I brought over with me. I gathered them from all over the house and snuggled in to read my book by the light of the candles...just me and the dog. Improvise...name of the game around here. It worked and was actually a nice quiet, although dark, evening. Of course the power came back on shortly before everyone started arriving home...never fails.

My back has been giving me grief for a few days now so I decided to go to the chinese medicine man and get an overhaul. They use massage, pressure point, fire cupping, acupuncture and scraping for various medical problems. I opted for the massage/pressure point and scraping. The back scraping hurts like wildfire but it does seem to help. Here is the premise they operate under:

"According to Chinese medicine, when external coldness or negative energy invades the body a disease develops. Thus people will have some physical discomfort such as dizziness, vomiting and pain. Gua sha can stimulate blood flow and remove coldness, negative energy, toxic-heat and lymphatic fluid from the body through the skin. Through the process, more blood serum is produced, thus improving the body's immune system."

SO I went and had some work done on my back. It does seem to help me when I have this done. In the past I have had cupping done and that has helped my lower back but the guy yesterday told me that since it is up under my shoulder blade the cupping would not be the best option and would rather use scraping. Yeah I cried big old tears when he did this but I have to say my back felt better. Today though is a different story...I was bruised from top to bottom. OUCH! They say it takes a month to see the results. I do think that chinese medicine takes longer and in some ways I almost wonder if the problem just goes away in time anyway but I have been willing to try it just to see its results. The massage and pressure point does help ALOT and is so inexpensive to have done it beats taking pills. So I am hobbling today after having my back scraped and my back looks like I took a beating. Apparently the redder your back gets the worse your blood flow....I wonder what black and blue says? That is what my back looks like!

FWIW the medicine dude yesterday told me that my eyes and intestines were bad....all of that from the reaction of my back to his work. I have been having trouble with my eyes so he was right on that front....my intestines....are probably shot from all they went through when I was battling the worms! It always amazes me when they tell me stuff like that and it turns out to be true. I dont fully understand it all but it does seem to have some amazing accuracies.

So my Friday was interesting to say the least. I was beat up by the medicine man and then sat in the dark with my dog. Who could ask for more adventure than that?

My Achin Back

2010-10-28T15:10:00.006+08:00

I threw my back out yesterday. What a way to start the day. The bummer is they have been drilling and jack-hammering the walls all day (for days now) on the apartment below us so its been crazy loud. The walls are cement so that just creates some serious noise. You know its bad when the floor shakes all day. I kept thinking for sure the floor was going to fall through at anytime and I was going to land in a heap of rubble down on the first floor. My dog has been hiding in his cage all day scared to death. I think I might join him soon. :) I had planned on leaving the house today to get away from the sound but my back is not cooperating. So today is officially a "rest your back" day.

It will get back to normal soon....always seems to take a few days and some R&R but it will indeed improve. In the mean time I am catching up on some reading and prepping my Itunes by creating a great Christmas mix....We start listening to christmas music in November so I have to get ready!! Who said downtime couldn't be fun? :)

Stop, And Let Me Tell You...

2010-10-26T19:39:00.004+08:00

When I was a little girl we sang a song in Junior Ch8rch called "Stop and let me tell you what the L0rd has done for me...." I used to love it because we used a stop sign as a visual aid. I always hoped I would get picked to hold the sign. :) I got to humming this song today and it was a great reminder that I need to stop and take the time to think back on what the L0rd has done for me and my family. The conclusion I came to was lots! He has done so much for us that the list became very long and I ran through it in my mind today.

I am a 'write it down' kinda girl so I write everything down and when I am thinking on something it helps me to write out my thoughts. This particularly applies to life for me here. I journal it out often. For some odd reason I have always been this way since I was young. I like writing out my thinking and also letters, poems and etc. I suppose it helps me because I am not a particularly strong thinker. Sometimes seeing it in writing and reviewing it a few times can actually make an issue seem not quite so daunting to me. (yeah, call me weird)

So today I made a list of all the things that G0d has done for me and in me through this last year. It has been, without a doubt, the hardest year of my young 43 year old life. The year is not done and yet there is a part of me that kind of wants to just get into 2011 so I can put it all in the past literally. I have thought that many times as if moving into a new year will actually take the sting out of this past year. I know it won't but I suppose a fresh start would be nice.

Stop, and let me tell you this.....

There is a long list today that I have placed in my B*ble of the many things G0d has done for me this year. That list keeps growing and will be added to. I know this because G0d is perfectly faithful and promises He will never stop taking care of the needs of His people. I am so grateful to be counted in that promise. All that He has promised He will do. Today I caught a glimpse of His faithfulness as I looked back on the mercies He has bestowed on me this year.

A Few Updates

2010-10-20T09:19:00.002+08:00

Just a few updates about life over here. We are hoping that next week I will be able to secure my visa. It has been in process for a while now and we haven't heard anything definite yet. We are traveling this weekend so I needed my passport back to make the trip so we had to ask the police department for my passport back. (they keep it during the entire visa process and then eventually the visa goes inside the passport) They gave it back for the trip and then when I return I will need to hand it back over. We meet with immigration next week so hopefully it will get settled. It is always a good thing to have your visa issues all resolved!

Secondly I am happy to report that I have been able to get back to my easy-to-sleep self. Previously I said that I had been taking something to help with that because I had gone through a period of insomnia. It was frustrating to me as one who cannot handle going without my sleep. It also was not helping me to settle back into life here to be a walking zombie. I am very glad that I have been able to get back on track. I am SO on track that it was hard to peel myself out of bed this morning....back to business as usual. :) It sure makes a difference for me!!

Lastly we have some guests visiting this week for a few days here and then we are going to take a few day trip with them to do some sightseeing. Should be fun to get a chance to catch up with Rob and Kara Howell. We look forward to having them with us and to have some down time away with them as well.

Beautiful fall weather we are having here which I love. Still in the 70's regularly and breezy. My kind of weather for sure!

2 Months

2010-10-16T00:29:00.002+08:00

I have something weird inside of me that pays attention to mile markers of all kinds....not just the roadside version. I watch times and dates come and go. Its just something that I catch along the way. It has been two months since I have returned from the states.

One thing I have come to see is that, for me, time is a good thing and a bad thing. It seems to have passed slowly for me (the last two months). The adjustments and settling in process has been long and at time frustrating. I often have to work at it and I was thinking it would not be as harsh a process as it has been for me. Reality has a way of creeping up on a girl. The reality is that I have to settle in for the long haul and figure out how to get comfortable again. I have days....days that are good and easy and where I just seem to fit. Other times I have days that are long and drawn out and I just feel uneasy about it all. Often I hit the ground in the morning and wonder what kind of day it will be.

This kind of thing can't be wished away and a verse won't take care of it. I can ask the L0rd for help (and believe me friend I do!) but I still have to get up in the morning and do the day. It simply cannot be reduce to a simple formula or pat answer. The kind of thing I am talking about takes time, effort and perhaps a healthy dose of reality. SO lets be real here.....its a day by day thing and I am just finishing up another day. It was a hard day for me and quite frankly it caught me by surprise. I had a string of good days and this one popped out of no where and bowled me over. Ouch....face flat to the floor hurts ya know.

So two months into it and I thought I would be further along in the quest to adjust. But I have no idea what is a reasonable expectation for this kind of thing. I have yet to talk to someone that has walked the same path and can tell me.....here is exactly how it is gonna go. So, when its all done and neatly tucked away in the annals of my crazy personal history....I will let you know how it went.

So tomorrow I will do what I have been doing for almost 60 days now.... I will get up, put my feet on the floor and try again. I am looking forward to the 90 day mark where there will hopefully be more good than bad days to report. Little by little, inch by inch......2 months down and tomorrow is another day.

Happy 1st Birthday Jack!

2010-10-14T18:18:00.006+08:00

Happy Birthday To Our Buddy Jack!

He is 1 year old today

Our Chinese friend bought him a new coat for his birthday :)

His new ball....also his new favorite!

Jack can always be found supervising Kayleen doing her homework at night!

We love this crazy guy!

Progress...slowly but surely.....

2010-10-11T08:20:00.003+08:00

This Sunday we were in a scenario where it was teaching/singing and etc all in Chinese. Our family knew it would be a challenge for our listening and speaking abilities but I have been feeling like we were at a point where we would be able to get something out of the time. This language is certainly not one you can pop on a field and be buzzing away in the language after 6 months or a year. I have heard of places where that is the case and as I am sitting in Chinese classes it makes me wonder why we aren't there! :) I am also of the opinion that you can't get very far learning this language if you dont have it around you regularly. I think learning it in a University setting in the states would give you book knowledge but you would really not be able to communicate it well, I dont believe, until you get your ear tuned and hear how they use it. It does take your ear and mind some time to adjust to how the words are used and concepts communicated. It will be a long drawn out process towards literacy.

So I was glad to take the test. It was good for me to see that I could understand. Ironically my Good Book Words are better than some of the bigger conversational words. Sometimes I would lean over to kylie and ask her what a word meant and she later said that a lot of the Good Book Words she did not know. I think spending time with ladies who teach me the Good Book Words has helped especially with the songs. I actually jotted down words I heard that I did not know so I could look them up later. It felt odd doing that in the Sunday type teaching setting but it is a way to learn.

My characters (chinese writing) are lousy so reading and singing along was not so easy but the songs on projection on the wall made it a good lesson time. The girls were much better at this and were often singing along well. Hal could read almost all the songs which killed me...his eye is sharper than mine that is for sure. He was able to sing along easily. The songs that had some repetition to them made it good for my characters because by the end of the song I was able to learn some new ones. They tend to sing and repeat the songs during the course of the service instead of singing a list of songs once they would sing it, pr@y, make application and then repeat the song. I personally like that idea and if someone is new they would certainly walk away with a good dose of at least a few songs.

I think this new direction for us on the weekends will prove to be good on many fronts. I was glad that the girls were able to understand and in fact participate in the service. For us, I think waiting to get into the weekend services until our level was decent enough was a wise move. I think if we had just jumped right into it without any previous language exposure it would have been easier to just tune it out. That would end up being disastrous for us on many fronts to have each week be a tune out service. I think one would dry up quick that way. That is just an opinion based on what we experienced as a family of course. We have older children so just tossing them into that setting would have been nothing but frustration for them. I think this weekend showed us that since their language understanding has increased it was good timing for us.

Personally....I was thankful for how willingly they went, participated, and in fact were working hard at understanding. It showed me a lot. I am thankful for my kids and how they have handled living here. It has been a great priviledge not necessarily born out of ease, that is for certain, but none the less an opportunity filled with both blessings and rewards. Rewards...not seen nor understood at the moment but ones far beyond what this world has to offer.

Progress is slow over here, but we are moving along at a steady pace. Praise be to G0d for His Grace for each step of the way. Apart from Him we are nothing.

Keep Going

2010-10-05T23:57:00.002+08:00

“Patience is waiting.

Not passively waiting.

That is laziness.

But to keep going when the going is hard and slow

~ that is patience.”

Anonymous

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“When all kinds of trials and temptations crowd into your lives,

my brothers, don't resent them as intruders,

but welcome them as friends.

Realize that they come to test your faith and to produce in you the quality of endurance.

But let the process go”

Buzz Words

2010-10-04T15:58:00.002+08:00

I have a various amount of blogs on my reader that bounce from topics like recipes, household tips, parenting to theology. Some of the theology blogs I just glance through and look at book recommendations and articles related to all the things that would relate to my life...wife, mom, home, daily walk and etc. I, by no means, am up for any form of debate on any topic in that arena. There are people that study those things exclusively and then teach the rest of us. I know my spot there. I am, however, on the readers end and sometimes I get a little crazy when I keep hearing the same "new" buzzwords coming out of the Chr*stian arena.

When I say that I am thinking specifically of the new hot term....well new in the last few years and perhaps even later but I have been out in the middle of no-wheresville for the last 4 years so I might be off on the timing. The buzz I am referring to is "Gospel" and then add whatever word you want after that. Here is an example....facebook status...."I am so thankful for my "gospel centered wife" (if my husband said that I would ask him if he could think of nothing more specific to say about me that he was thankful for??) or another is "keep preaching the gospel to yourself" and etc. Its good truth and not one I am down playing. It is just an overabundant use that starts to get to me.

I just read one guys remark to another...."so thankful for how the gospel has shaped our friendship". Thats good words, please dont take me wrong, but it is getting used for everything. Sometimes it just drives me crazy to see yet another "gospel" related book title or blog. It just seems to be a buzz word anymore and becoming, in my little corner of the thinking world, dumbed down some when it is used for everything. Here is a quote from a blog that I found recently and it was simply asking the same question as I am:

"For the past couple of years, the term “Gospel centered” has become ubiquitous in the blogosphere. And as the use of this term has become more and more common, I’ve become less and less certain that its meaning is simply….being Gospel centered."

He goes on to say that he is confused by the term and wanting to know if it really means what he is thinking because it just popped out of nowhere and became a "buzzword". It seems to me that the term gets tossed out to almost sound "cool sometimes. I dont like cliches so probably that shapes my thinking. We use them a lot in ministry and it bugs me. Just say what you are thinking and don't give me buzzwords.

IOW if I need to "preach the gospel to myself" then just say "you need to align your thinking with God's word on this situation". Is that what "preach the gospel to yourself" means? Ummm I dunno, no one ever gave me a definition. They just keep saying that. I know the Gospel, have accepted it and am following hard after it....do I have to do something else or just remember that is what I believe? Is remembering what I believe, in fact, 'preaching the gospel to myself'? Could someone fill me in....I think I am doing that but maybe there is more to it.

This is just a random rant from the far side. If you google "gospel centered" you will find everything from "gospel centered jokes" to the more serious "gospel centered parenting", "gospel centered marriages" and etc. So what are you saying to me with all this buzzzzz? It almost seems like the cool thing in theological circles to say anymore.

Rant is done now and the weather over here in rice-ville is pleasant. :)

Good Morning to Me

2010-09-29T09:01:00.002+08:00

I woke up this morning bright and early. I figured I would get a jump start on my to do list so I got going instead of doing my typical lay there and hope its really not time to get up.

I was really glad I got into the day early because things kinda got crazy towards the end of the time before Hal and the girls were going to leave for the day. After the girls left for the school bus and Hal was finishing cramming for chinese class a knock came at the door. Hal answered cuz I was still in jammie-ville. I changed my clothes quickly when I realized it was the gate guard from our complex and one of the first floor tenants. Hal had to scramble out the door which left me with the grandiose opportunity to handle whatever was going on. My brain was barely awake enough to handle English let alone these guys buzzing their chinese at me.

The two men explained that the first floor apartment had water leaking down on them and it was coming from somewhere. So of course in an apartment complex made like ours (read into that "with the quality of the 1900's and cinder block walls to boot" haha) you have to go up each floor and look around and figure out where the water is coming from. The second floor didn't have any water leaking. The third floor has no one in that apartment...I am on the fourth floor so I was next. They checked and we talked through the water issues. Our water has been going off a lot lately...in fact everyday for long periods of time. Then they came to the conclusion it must not be our apartment that is the initial source of the leak so they were on to the fifth floor. The irony is we have big water spots on our ceiling in the kitchen and a moldy wet area on the wall on one side. We told our landlord and they came, looked at it and said "its no problem". That is the typical response here...just hope it goes away.

The first floor tenant can't do that though because if there is a leak from one of the upper floors the first floor peeps will bear the brunt of it eventually. That is why a first floor apartment here is not desirable. They flood easily. In fact the first floor apartment on the other side of our building flooded so bad they had to gut it. The realtor told us when we found this apartment to lease that we needed to remember to never get a first floor....we would be getting all the plumbing problems from the rest of the building showered down on us...literally :) Trust me in china there are LOOOOTS of plumbing problems. (read into that "a plumber fixed my toilet using chopsticks he cut in half" quality work there)

So my Chinese speaking got a workout this morning bright and early. Times like this make me thankful for my chinese teacher and all the practical things she has taught me along with my speaking partner. Between the two of them they got me through the issue this morning. All the technical words I understood came from them wisely saying "you will need to know this someday living in china". Smart ladies!

So Good morning to me....barely out of my jammies and my brain is in overdrive trying to understand two fast chinese speakin dudes panicking about the water problem. Yep, I'm awake for sure now. Good thing I already had two cups of coffee!!

Good Stuff

2010-09-27T18:29:00.001+08:00

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly, Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision, where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights; hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory. Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, that to have nothing is to possess all, that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, that to give is to receive, that the valley is the place of vision. Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine; let me find Thy light in my darkness, Thy life in my death, Thy joy in my sorrow, Thy grace in my sin, Thy riches in my poverty, Thy glory in my valley.

Taking The Good With The Not So Good

2010-09-23T22:20:00.002+08:00

Hal and I are in Beijing where we have some doctors visits. His are just some routine check ups and mine are follow ups from this past years surgery and etc. One thing that is great about this hospital is that you can get so much done in just a few days. They are efficient for sure and it helps when it is a very small hospital too. You dont wait for days for the report on your xrays...you just sit down and they read it while you are in their office. SO much better than waiting for a week or more like we do in the states.

The bad of this deal is needles, check ups, tests, xrays and prescriptions. It seems to be routine for me now. We have one day down and tomorrow more of the same. I will be glad to have that part of the trip all done.

The good of the deal is the restaurants... :) Beijing has some really good western restaurants that are NOT fast food which is what we have in our city. I don't call that western food anyway...I call that yuck. :)
So tonight we went to a Tex Mex restaurant. It was a nice dinner. I have already picked out tomorrow nights restaurant...Italian. Can't wait. Fortunately Hal and I have the same list of places we want to hit which makes it easy to choose.

In life sometimes ya gotta take the good with the bad. In this case, for these next few days I am trying to fit in as much of the good to go along with the little bads we have to get through.

FWIW, hal had the worst of it today....two blood draws. He was an excellent patient so we treated ourselves to pie after his donation to the lab.

There you have it folks, the good, the bad and the ugly of it all....my weekend in Beijing.

My Current State of Affairs

2010-09-17T00:14:00.004+08:00

Just an update on my world. Life has been fuzzy lately....I think part of that is my husband slipping me a sleeping pill at night. It has done wonders for me actually. I have been going through a extended time of insomnia I think in part because of the topsy turvy-ness of our lives of recent months. SO my doctor gave me something and I had been hesitant to use it because I don't like the idea of possibly getting hooked onto something. My husband won the battle though and I agreed to one months nightly use in an effort to get me back on track. I am here to say it not only works, and well I might add~~~OH wow does it work~~but it has helped me feel better too. Smart man I married. I suppose the zombie by day and zombie by night thing really isn't the best way to roll. I think it was just as much for my husband as it was for me. :)

This next week we head to Beijing for me to see a few doctors. The main doctor is a special type dentist that will be following up on my post op dental issues. I will be having a special xray to check and be sure my tumor has not regrown. It is important to keep checking so if, per chance, there is regrowth we will be right on top of it and it wont get out of control. It is one of those tumors that kind of explodes and grows really fast. I will also see the eye doctor since i have been having some trouble with my eye again. Looks like I will have another procedure done to help keep the infections in my eye from reoccurring and resolve the dryness. It was doing well for quite a while but then shortly before I left the states it started flaring up on me. I decided to hold off and see my Beijing doc because I really like her and she is most familiar with all my situation. It eliminates starting over with another doctor. She is excellent and very well trained in Europe and the US. I am so thankful for her!

After I return from Beijing we will start the process for getting my visa set up. We can't do that until after we return from Beijing because we need my passport to travel and stay in a hotel. When we have the visa worked on we have to hand over our passports for that time. So we need to get this trip in and get the visa work done as soon as we get back.

Lastly life around our home has started to settle into the school year routine. The girls are doing well and pretty organized about what they need to do in order to accomplish their "to do" lists for school. Kayleen has a heavy load this year since her school hits them hard in 9th grade with what is typically 10th grade classes. Kylie, on the other hand, has done all the hard stuff and is now enjoying an easier senior year load. She is concentrating this year on her Chinese level since she is wanting to take as much Chinese in university as she can. This is the place to study and the time for her is great as well since she has an easier academic load. She did all the tough stuff last year and has earned it.

As for me....I greatly appreciate all who have told me they are preying for me. The return and subsequent adjustment has been rough. I am not sure that I understand it all yet as hard as I have tried. I think this has been a time for me to finally process all that the last 7 months has thrown my way. I will say, though, that I know without a doubt that this series of trials was allowed by Him for a purpose I do not yet understand. I am finally come to a place where I realize I don't need to understand it all. I just need to trust and accept that it is lovingly dispensed by the hand of G0d. I can leave it then get on with doing what I know I should be doing. I am not saying that is easy....just that it is what should be. I am still workin on that.

"The L0rd gives, and the L0rd takes away; Blessed be the name of the L0rd."

I Love These Words

2010-09-15T18:48:00.005+08:00

Call me an old fashioned something or other but sometimes I just love the old songs. Sometimes we get all focused on the new stuff (which I am not saying is all bad) that we forget about the old songs that have some good words. I am not big on "bands" that sing music about the L 0rd. I just have trouble with that whole idea for various reasons. Plus half the time the songs sound like love ballads to me and it's often hard to figure if they are really talking about the L 0rd. Ok, I am off track but this song I post today could never fall in that category. It does, however, remind me of something important....G 0d's power in the midst of my weakness. When you are in the midst of that unbearable, unending time of sheer weakness sometimes it is hard to get your mind, will and heart to focus on the L 0rd and not on the circumstances surrounding you. I find myself in that position often lately and thus the reason this song strikes a chord for me at present time. Yep, its an oldie and its words remind me where my f@ith should rest. So this song was in my mind today. An oldie but a goodie, in my humble opinion. :)

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul; the L*rd is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy G*d to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul; thy G*d doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jes*s can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the L*rd,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

A Little Jolt Back Into Reality....

2010-09-13T22:48:00.003+08:00

I must admit I have not ventured out much since being here. Just a few times out the apartment door for me. Today I decided to uncloister (is that a word) myself and get some business done in town.

The girls needed school physicals which is always an absolute joy to have done here. They are such good sports when we go and have grown to enjoy the oddities of how things get done here. Nothing is every easy or done in a simplified manner. Every paper is stamped a gazillion times and in quadruplicate. Everything is done by hand...everything....every paper, every teeny tiny detail. We actually laughed a lot today through the process. I wasn't laughing however when I realized I had to take some more papers back for another stamp to be put on it...you know to make it all official. So I sent the girls off in a taxi to school and I went home to gather up the papers and try to eliminate the disgust I was feeling at the thought of having to go back YET again. yeah, not happy bout that.

It dawned on me when I got home that Hal would be getting out of class at lunchtime so maybe he might want to snag lunch since I would be downtown and he was already there with his language school class. It worked out for his schedule and so it was a plan.

My jolt back to reality came on my second taxi ride back to the hospital. I was alone. I hadn't been alone and out in public here in 7 months. Just an odd feeling. Then it was like I noticed the stares, the stopping to watch and the double takes. Yep, I'm back. No longer in the majority but now, once again, in the minority. It was another case of the ole foreigner freak show and I was the super freak.

The taxi driver kept watching me in his rear view mirror and making remarks. Every time I glanced up at him he was looking at me. I pulled my ipod out and pumped up the volume as if I could possibly drowned out his looks. Yeah, I'm a dork. At least it kept me preoccupied.

When I got back to the apartment complex later the guard at the gate stopped me. He is new, evidently, because I had never seen him before. He told me to stop and that he had not seen me around before and asked me where I was going. Before I could answer he said "oh I know, I heard about you. You live in building 9 apartment and etc. You went to America because you were sick and now you have returned." I instantly thought CAREEPY! We had never met and he knew all about me. He said the other guards told him about me. We ended up chatting awhile and some good news came of it. My chinese just kinda popped back into my head. I suppose it wasn't lost in the recesses of my brain after all. I figured after 7 months I would be unable to function language wise and have to start over.

Yeah you take those kinds of brights spots when you can get them. So today me and the guard with three front teeth missing and a cigarette hangin out of his mouth had a nice chat and he complimented me on my chinese speaking skills. Bonus day I suppose. AND I managed to entertain a portion of the city today just going about town and lettin them all check me out. How good of me huh?

A jolt back into reality for me.....I am in the minority around these parts. Its back to the foreigner freak show again and I am the star. :)

And So Went Today.....

2010-09-08T23:30:00.002+08:00

Today was a first for me. I have been back here 17 days now and today was my first truly good day. It has been a series of up/down kinda days with spurts of tears and frustration alongside the desire to get past it all and move on with life. I have spent the majority of my time getting resettled back in which meant unpacking all our bins and reorganizing many parts of our home that got all switched around during the six months I was away. Along with unpacking I took some time to clean out closets/drawers and all the little spots in our apartment that collect clutter quickly. In a small space it happens very quickly so I did some purging.

Today was different than all the other days so far. I slept great, woke up feeling good and moved along through my responsibilities with a comfort I have not known thus far. It has been the hardest part for me...the not feeling comfortable here. I used to be very at ease in this house but from the moment I stepped back in here after returning from the airport I felt like a stranger in my own home. Everything bugged me. Not with a "small nagging irritation" type bugging but more of a "driving me insane I can't stand this" kind of feeling. I could not put my finger on it and it was a horrible feeling for me that I just couldn't get past or sense it subsiding. It was hard.

Today, though, I did some things I needed to do and also that I enjoy. Hal went to the market and bought me tomatoes, the really good ones that are out right now, and I made jars and jars of spaghetti sauce. I love making it and purposely bring the seasonings to make and jar it up so we have it all winter. Cooking from scratch is just a necessity of life here and I actually enjoy a day in the kitchen that is uninterrupted with the exception of my ipod buzzing along beside me.

Today, was a noticeably good day. Why? you might ask. For starters there were no tears. Its the first day since I've been back that I didn't cry and cry. It is also the first day that I didn't search the internet for the cheapest flight right back home. I didn't pine away on my bed about all that I miss and want. It was the first day I was ok with my little apartment, crazy dog and the smell of China.

Today, though, I must say was deliberate. I sat up, put my feet on the floor, asked G0d to move me past my initial gut feeling that smacks me in the face as soon as I awaken and I did the next thing. At first it was hard. I balked on the inside...big time. But then my husband came home with a skip in his step and a smile on his face bubbling about the Work of the day and the potential that awaits him this semester as he teaches the important things he loves to teach. His students, the eager ones that really want to learn and the myriad of conversations he has been having this week. All of it are things that thrill the daylights out of him.

Its then I realized that as I make my spaghetti sauce, wash up those dishes and do the umpteenth load of laundry I can have a glimmer of joy in it because if this home ship keeps afloat THAT Work can get done. And so, my friends, went today....one step closer to a settled heart and a steadfast mind. One step closer to feeling at home. One day down....tomorrow is more of the same. Feet to the floor, eyes to the sky and heart willing to try again. And so, my friends, went today....

My First 12 Days

2010-09-01T17:15:00.005+08:00

Today I was thinking on my return time back. My trip was good which being translated is my seats were great, the people I sat with were easy going and I drugged myself and slept for about half the big flight. That is a bonus when you can snag sleep. The rest of the time of the big plane was spent watching a movie and reading my book. I finished off a good size book during my travel day which was good. I did run into trouble on two fronts during my trip back here. First of all I had cans of frosting in my carry on and the dude in Detroit took them all. He is no fun. Somehow he decided that chocolate frosting is considered a liquid...ok I dont see that but he is the boss. Secondly during each security check I set off the alarms because of all the metal in my prosthetic denture. Oh yeah that made for fun as I was getting my mouth checked. At first I could not figure out what was setting off the alarm until the guy next to me told the worker he had a knee replacement and his was setting off the alarm. Then it dawned on me that it was my stinkin teeth. Ugh I tried to quietly tell the guy and then he could not understand. SO I offered to take them out for him if looking inside my mouth would not suffice. That shut him up. :) Totally awkward.....yet totally the way my life goes.

I have been back 12 days now. Truthfully they have not been easy days. I have had a hard time adjusting back, plain and simple. It is like an engine that just wont start. For me it feels like I don't even have the keys to begin with. My get up and go got up and went. Most days I find it hard to keep going. I get up and try to do a few things and then feel like I am ready to go back to bed. I haven't been out of the apartment yet but I know eventually that will have to change. I managed to get a few things accomplished the past few days and to me that is a start.

I had a feeling this would take some time. I knew it was not going to be smooth. I hope that soon, very soon, I can get back on top of my game. I used to like living here, really I did. I enjoyed the challenge each day. Right now my sense of adventure is gone. Honestly most of me just feels gone. I suppose the turn of events in the states did a bigger number on me than I realize. All of the changes in a short span of time is tossing me all over the place.

My first twelve days haven't been stellar. I wouldn't put them on the top 10 of any list. I will say I have been thankful to enjoy the love and compassion of a wonderful husband who keeps reminding me it will take time.....lots of time....and he is right there with me. So I will finish out today; get up tomorrow and give it another shot. I am hoping that each day will bring me a little closer back to normal. I miss the comfortable place that feeling normal brings.

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; From where shall my help come? My help comes from the L0rd Who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Psalm 121:1-3

So Here I Sit

2010-08-20T12:23:00.002+08:00

So, here I sit at 12:50 AM and I leave for the airport at 4:30 AM. I am thankful that I have a friend who is willing enough to come and take me at that time. Its truly a labor of love.
I am sitting here typing because sleep isn't coming for me. I always feel that way a little when I am gearing up for the long day of travel back to the Orient. It always seems like I am really going to another planet and I am the alien. :)

Really the reason I am so restless tonight is because I have so many things swirling around inside my head that I can't seem to slow down. Some of it is good. I look forward to plopping down on my couch when I get back China, the couch I am most familiar with now and where I have been sitting for the last 4 years, and just chatting with my girls at the end of their school day. It's one of my favorite things in life to do. I also look forward to just the settling in process. I love the unpacking, taking it slowly and rearranging everything as I go. I love organizing the supplies and unpacking the new things we have brought over. I always throw in some new decorations for the house or special treats just for us girls. Its like a mini-Christmas for us.

What's causing me to lose some sleep tonight is that it is hard for me to set aside life here. Its like I have to hand it over when I step on the plane. I have to put all the friends and family in the back of my head and walk away from this world we have here. I hugged my son good bye. I said good bye to my mom and home. It just never gets any easier and for me this round is the hardest one yet. I wish I could say the excitement outweighs the difficulty but truth be told~it doesn't. It doesn't make me love my family and life over there any less...it just means that its going to take some work to settle into life there again. For me, a lot more work than it ever has before.

I am glad I was able to be here for the purpose of healing. I had my surgery and I was able to get through that all well. I was well cared for by my parents and in the end my husband and children were able to come and join me here for a time. We vacationed and we had time together. It was good for us and the girls had a blast. I am ready to head back physically but my head and heart could use more time. I suppose there is never going to be a 'right' time. I just have to get up and do it and that is that.

I hope someday to write here about how I worked through it all and have begun to enjoy life again. I hope that I can report back about all that God has done to help us learn and grow through these things. I hope to tell you that I feel like me again. Perhaps in time. I think it is going to require me trusting God that He knows what is best for me. He does, and I know that with my head but my heart is still wondering a bit. My head and my heart just aren't talking right now. But, give it time and they will get together and settle in the same spot. All that God says He will do. He will remember me way over there on that other planet and take care of these needs. Needs of the head and heart are all known by Him and matter to Him too.

So here I sit....waiting for the alarm, my friends van to arrive, a strong cup of coffee and the Lord to help me take the next step.

The Last Few Days

2010-08-17T07:35:00.002+08:00

I am on my last few days in the states. After 6 months here I think it will take me some time to re-adjust to life in China. I have a few more things to squeeze in before I leave. I have to finish packing up, clean up the apartment I am living in and get all my good bye's in and get things all settled for Caleb in prep to send him back to college. I am trying to enjoy my last little bit of time with him as well.

I was thinking today about getting adjusted back to China life. One thing that I know for sure is that I will miss all the convenience type things we have here that we don't in china. A big washing machine, a dryer, an oven, a dishwasher and lets NOT forget LONG showers. The water reeks havoc on my hair and clothes. Our whites turn dingy and my hair feels like straw after a week of the dirty water showers. Hmmm, mopping myself out of the bathroom after a shower is another one I have avoided here since we have tubs to catch the water. Lets see and then there is the 78 steps up to my apartment that make running a simple errand a bit tiring. 78 up, 78 down....yeah I wear my comfy shoes for sure. :) Thats my quick list, if I expounded there would be more. I won't expound because that bleeds over into complaining. I am just stating the facts. Those things became normal for me before and, I am sure, in time, they will become normal once again. But then again what is "normal"....I know...not me. :)

So in these last few days I am enjoying the creature comforts of home in the U.S.A. In just a few days I will begin my journey towards re-entry. It really is a process and one you can't fully appreciate until you have done it....a few times over or more. I am still learning how to do it well.

Headin Out

2010-08-14T04:37:00.002+08:00

I recently came across this song. I love the words. I think its a good one considering we are heading back to China soon. It's just always hard leaving family and friends. It never gets any easier. I always pause and think "it will be a long time till we see them again" and I realize I have a great need for the Lord's help and Grace during the transitions. Transitions are never easy for me and with each passing year seem to get harder.

I have a few things I am thinking particularly of these days. I will miss my son terribly. Next time I see him he will be a senior in college. During his college years we have spent very little time together. He has been a great encouragement to us as he has sacrificed having parents nearby during his college years. He has been such a blessing to us.

I love this song below. I have grown to appreciate the words all the more recently. I think they are good "heading out" kind of words. I am being convinced more and more how very much I need God's Grace to just take the next step.

What Grace Is Mine?

What grace is mine that He who dwells in endless light
Called through the night to find my distant soul
And from his scars poured mercy that would plead for me
That I might live and in his name be known

So I will go wherever He is calling me
I lose my life to find my life in Him
I give my all to gain the hope that never dies
I bow my heart, take up my cross and follow Him

What grace is mine to know His breath alive in me
Beneath his wings my wakened soul may soar
All fear can flee for death's dark night is overcome
My Saviour lives and reigns forevermore

So I will go wherever He is calling me
I lose my life to find my life in Him
I give my all to gain the hope that never dies
I bow my heart, take up my cross and follow Him.

The 4 Year Mark

2010-08-05T12:19:00.002+08:00

Our family is currently getting ready to head back to China soon and start into our 5th year. I have spent the last 6 months in the states having surgery and recovering. I am certain I will be met with some return 'shock' of sorts. I am not sure if it will be culture shock or reverse culture shock since I almost feel like I don't know whether I am coming or going. It will certainly be an adjustment that is for sure. I can already identify a few areas that will take some effort for me to settle into again. My husband and family will leave ahead of me and I will follow shortly behind them.

I have received several emails this week regarding my next steps, progress and the prosthesis and how that is going. I have appreciated all the concerns and the prayers. You all have encouraged me greatly through this process. As of right now I am fairly ready to go. I have another appointment and then I will be free and clear. I am now wearing the finished product prosthesis and it is going very well. I just told my husband last night that I am so glad for how it has settled well in my mouth and for my amazing dentist who did such a great job of making it look and work well all points considered. It is not something that is easy to adjust to but thankfully my mouth has accepted it with very few sores or problems. Its just an odd feel in my mouth and not something that will ever feel 100% normal. I am being a good patient and wearing it as I should and I feel like it has gone as good as it possibly could as far as me getting used to it. The most difficult part of it is eating and that is just to be expected. I am not actually using the prosthesis to chew but more to secure my jaw alignment and keep my teeth from moving. Oh and the added look of having teeth is an extra bonus even though they don't actually get used for their intended purpose.

This last 6 months have been very hard ones for me. I look back on this time and am still surprised at how it all went. A year ago I would have never imagined all that has transpired. My health was hit hard and losing my father in the midst was like the old saying "being kicked while you are down". I am anxious to start feeling better and normal again. I think that will take some time; perhaps a lot of it. For now I am just working on one day at a time.

Last night at church we sang a song with some great words. I reread them today and was reminded once again of how woefully short I fall in my response to the tough stuff of life.

Thy Way, Not Mine, O Lord
Thy way, not mine, O Lord, however dark it be;
Lead me by Thine own hand, choose out the path for me;
Smooth let it be or rough, it will be still the best;
Winding or straight, it leads right onward to Thy rest.

I dare not choose my lot; I would not if I might:
Choose Thou for me; my God, so I shall walk aright.
Take Thou my cup, and it with joy or sorrow fill,
As best to Thee may seem, choose Thou my good and ill.

Choose Thou for me my friends, my sickness or my health
Choose Thou my cares for me, my poverty or wealth,
Not mine, not mine the choice in things both great and small,
Be Thou my Guide my Strength, my Wisdom, and my All.

How Time Flies....

2010-07-31T08:39:00.005+08:00

The one thing that has hit me the most recently is how quickly, very quickly, time flies past me. My kids are living reminders to me that time is buzzing right along. This fall I have a junior in college, a senior in high school and a freshmen in high school. How did they get to this age so quickly. It seems like just yesterday they were still in car seats and eating Happy Meals.

This coming Monday it will be 4 years since we left for China. It has gone by quickly for me. It seems like just yesterday we were having a big garage sale, packing everything up and trying to figure out how to fit all the things we wanted to take with us in two suitcases each. It was an exciting and difficult time for us. It seems like so much has happened since that time. We have seen some exciting things and experienced some great high points to the work and life there. I have enjoyed the opportunity to live and be a small part of the work there. We have also, on the other hand, experienced some real difficult times while living there as well. It has been a two edged sword with the good and also very hard. I know that in many respects that is par for the course when you are learning to live in and understand a new culture. There are always big adjustments along this type of journey. We have also experienced sickness and family separations to deal with those illnesses as well. I think that has been the roughest part for me personally. Its always hard to be all split up.

I know the old saying...."time flies when you're having fun". Time has flown by for us. I cannot say it has all been fun. Many times it has been some of the hardest things I have had to face as an adult. I will say, though, that it has been good for us all. The children have learned to be flexible and to understand the vast differences amongst people from different parts of the world. They have learned to adapt in situations and appreciate many things more. Hal and I have a host of lessons we have learned from the perks and pressures of life overseas. We have lots left to learn on this journey. I would love it if you could tell me that the rest of our time spent in China would be struggle free. It would be nice if it were all "fun" from here on out.

Peace

2010-07-23T23:04:00.005+08:00

A friend sent me the download of this simple chorus as an encouragement to me. I thought the words were good and it was well timed.

PEACE

Peace, You give me peace
When the storms come and I’m afraid
Peace, You give me peace
When I trust in the words You say
You give me peace

VERSE 1
If You can calm the sea
Then You can comfort me
If winds obey Your voice
Why should I fear their noise
And though my eyes can’t see
I know You’re with me

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
Psalm 4:8
In peace I will both lie down and sleep, For You alone, Oh Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Just Some Verses

2010-07-18T19:45:00.002+08:00

And provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

Isaiah 61:3

My Dad

2010-07-02T22:10:00.002+08:00

Yesterday we had my fathers funeral service. Yesterday we buried my dad. It's hard for me to imagine not ever seeing his face again or hearing his voice. He won't hug or kiss on me anymore; I won't hear him say "I love you" anymore. I won't watch him lovin on his grandkids like he always did. But I feel like I still need him. We still had things planned. There were next steps he was supposed to be a part of. It sure doesn't make sense to me. None of it does.

It's been hard for me to think through and really understand. I can't say I am making any progress on that yet. I am sick inside that he is gone. I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. I want him back. I can't figure out why taking him was a good thing. Just doesn't make sense to me.

There are a lot of things in life I just don't know. In fact the list is long. But I do know the Lord. I know His Word is truth. I know He loves me. I even know He doesn't make mistakes. Honestly this feels like a mistake. This does not feel like love. Do things that are loving hurt this bad? Good question, that's on the list of things I still don't know.

I do know this one thing for sure; God is always perfect in what He does. I can't wrap my brain around it. This was the perfect choice HE made for our family; the choice to take my dad home to be with Him. I personally didn't feel like it was the right time. God did. It feels harsh to me. My heavenly Father took my earthly father. I am still trying to figure it all out.

So for today I will do my best to just trust the Lord that this was best. I am not saying I understand. I am not saying it's not hard. I am just trying. I am trying to trust the Lord and take Him at His Word. Pray for me; I miss my dad.

From The Psalms

2010-06-30T22:00:00.003+08:00

The Lord is my Shepherd
I shall not want
He makes me lie down in green pastures
He leads me beside still waters
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
For His Name sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil
For You are with me
Your rod and your staff
They comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies
You anoint my head with oil
My cup overflows
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.
Psalm 23

Long Days

2010-06-24T23:44:00.002+08:00

The last few days have been long ones for our family. More importantly they have been long and tough ones for my dad. He has shown us, though, that he is fighting and strong. It has been amazing to both family and the doctors how well he has done considering the fact that he has a hole in his heart and that is it as large as it is. God has certainly protected him during this time and preserved his life thus far.

One of the things I have definitely seen through these hospital visits is how we cannot predict how things will go with a high amount of certainty. Things happen that can change the course of treatment quickly. My dad began all this with some pains and it has ended in major issues with his heart. The doctors have told us multiple times now that someone with the problem my dad has usually die within 24 hours. Here we are still doing battle two weeks later. His body is still fighting and it has really surprised the doctors. I am grateful that his body is hanging in there, that he personally is no quitter and that the Lord is controlling all of the outcome of this.

My dad reminded us this week that he is in the Lords hands and that if he called him home he would be ready to go. I did not like hearing him talk that way initially but with time this week I have been thankful that he was willing and able to remind us where his faith rests. Dads prepare their kids for things all through their lives. It doesn't stop when you leave home. My dad has been talking to us and preparing us this week so that we could have great assurances on the day he calls my dad home. Of course we want that to be 30 years from now and it very well could be. This situation is far from over and the doctors are doing everything to help him. None of us have guarantees that is for sure. My point is that my dad was speaking to his family and reminding us that God is in control of this and not we ourselves. It was a great gift he bestowed upon us all to speak in those terms and remind us in that way this week. It is not easy for him, I am sure.

Its been some serious long days for our family. I have been worn out and can only imagine what my parents are feeling. Its never pleasant to see and hear all that we have this week. In fact, each day I would come home with a headache and an inability to sleep because of what we had to see throughout the day. You just never want to see your dad struggle in this way.

Long days are behind us but I am quite certain we have some longer ones ahead. Thankfully as of a few moments ago my dads nurse said he is still holding strong. The Lord is holding his hand and walking through this with him. What an amazing thought. God is sovereign and is not making any mistakes here. He knows our frames and that we are but dust. I feel really dusty today....big time dusty.

Today

2010-06-21T22:49:00.002+08:00

Today my dad has surgery at 1:00. They are transferring him this morning to a hospital downtown so he can have the surgery. I, of course, am nervous for his sake. It has been a long almost two weeks of hospital stay and recovery. He is doing much better than he was last week but is still weak and worn out. I would be too with all they have done to him. The poor guy doesn't have a vein that has not been poked and prodded. He is ready to be back in his own home and his own recliner. I pray for him that he would just get through today and have it all start to be behind him.

It is a tiring thing to have a family member in the hospital for a long time. I know that just short of two weeks is nothing compared to what others have had to face. I think, for me, the more exhausting part has been the back and forth and all the changes that have taken place with regards to how they would handle his case. Because he is a heart patient they have to act quickly and at times make up a game plan based on the present status of the person. My dad did an amazing upswing and caught the doctors off guard. The initial game plan was rough and we all dreaded that discussion. The secondary game plan was based on the fact that he began an amazing recovery and was healing well for someone who had just had a heart attack, three stints put into his arteries and pneumonia in both lungs. Wow he has been through a lot. AND he has managed to be singing in the hallways at the cardiac care unit and teasing with the nurses. Its him, its how he handles things. He has the ability to be in a rough spot and still keep his cool and humor. Its not been easy to sit and wait and wonder what the end game plan is going to be.

Today he finds out. Today they will attempt to go through his artery and up to his heart and place a device on the hole in his heart. If that does not work they will be ready on stand by to do open heart. Either way he is getting this thing over with today. I am happy for him. I am nervous for him. Thankfully he is focused and determined that his life is in the Lords hands. He has reminded us continually of that fact. Today is his day to get this show on the road. He is ready physically since the pneumonia is well under control and he is ready spiritually because he knows the Great Physician who is Chief over all other.

I look forward to having this day be done. I love my dad. I have been given a reaaaally reaaaally good one. I am asking the Lord to let me keep him for a long time to come. They say he will feel younger and stronger when this is all done and over with. I can't wait for today to just be done! I love my daddy!

Moving Ahead

2010-06-16T21:22:00.002+08:00

Hal and the girls arrived safely and ON TIME Sunday. For the most part we don't ever actually arrive without delays. We always have flight delays or cancellation issues on our Newark NJ segment of the flight. It was nice that they arrived at 10:00 PM which gave us time to actually talk before they all fell into bed. :) It's a great thing to have them back with me. I am a happy wife and mom.

Yesterday I went and had another fitting with my prosthesis. It went well. The piece is awkward and uncomfortable. I don't look forward to wearing it. This fitting was a wax form that had teeth and gums on it. It was a simulation of what the actual piece will look like and how it would function. The doc put it in, checked for the fit, sized up the adjustments and then the assistant and I worked on me getting it out. It fits very tightly into the space and secures around on the teeth that are on either side. I could not even get it out easily which is a good thing. She told me that it needs to be fitted that way so that it won't come out unintentionally. Wouldn't that be fun if it did pop out...awkward!? :)

We also visited with my dad in the hospital. Its been a long haul for him and too much time away from his own home. As time passes I feel bad for him that he has to be away from his own comfort zone this long. He is fighting pneumonia and doing better. I have been amazed at how much better he looks even in the last few days. He has been getting stronger and able to bear his own weight to stand up and walk. Previously he was weakened considerably by the heart attack and pneumonia. He seems to be headed the right direction. They have postponed his surgery (at this point) until Friday so that he can continue to heal. It is a huge positive that they are able to give him more time to heal and his heart muscle more time to strengthen so that it can handle the procedure that follows. Apparently the firmer that muscle becomes, with each passing day, the better the muscles chance of accepting the patching method. So adding days is a good thing if the patient is stable enough to wait. Praise the Lord he has been stabilizing well and can wait! We are thrilled.

I am always amazed at God's timing and I know that I shouldn't be surprised. He knows what we need and when. Personally I needed my family here and in particular at this time. I am sure its a welcomed break for my parents to have time with the kids as well. It seemed to brighten my dads day to see them. I am thankful that the Lord knew what I needed and flew them here! Now we just keep praying for my dad!

Lots To Pray About

2010-06-13T19:37:00.002+08:00

This morning I woke up and the first thing I thought was "I've got lots to pray about ". I know that is no different from any other day but this morning I have lots on my mind. I had one of those nights where you wake up every hour on the hour and the mind won't slow down. I kept thinking of things and then I couldn't go back to sleep. It seems like the old adage "when it rains, it pours" is true. Lots going on with our immediate family.

Hal and the girls currently in the air traveling back from overseas. They will be here later tonight if all their flights are on time. They are currently in the middle of their long flight coming home and it always seems like an eternity. I am sure they will be tired out. I am anxious to see them and to know that they have landed safely in the states. It is no small feat hauling all the bins back and getting from one airport to another. I am praying for them as they travel that they would be safe, without delays and all their luggage will arrive.

Yesterday my parents discovered that as a result of my dads recently heart attack he has a hole between the two chambers of his heart. He is also struggling with pneumonia as a result of the heart attack, two procedures for stints and hospitalization. He is totally worn out. He is struggling to breathe and also being bed ridden for this amount of time his back is hurting him. They are working on knocking out the pneumonia in the next day or so in order to do the surgery on Monday. They will be putting a patch on his heart to correct the blood flow problems created by the hole. It has been a long week. My dad has had a heart attack, had two stints put in, transferred to another hospital and had a third stint, pneumonia and now this hole. His body is tired. It has been an emotional up and down for all of us. I am praying that the surgeon will have wisdom and they can treat him properly so that this can begin to resolve. What a turn of events this has been for us all!

This morning when I woke up I thought I had lots to pray about. It is true. I am grateful that I am able to take these issues to the Lord and know that He hears me. I am also thankful to know that He does not give us more than we can handle. Yesterday while in the hospital my parents and I discussed how that these things are all in Gods plan. He knows what He is doing. All of our steps are ordered by the Lord. So this morning I trust Him and I pray!

Jumpin For Joy

2010-06-07T22:55:00.002+08:00

My family is coming
Sunday evening, late
Its been a long time/no see
I can hardly wait.

:-)

Changes Ahead

2010-06-05T08:02:00.002+08:00

This week I went for the first round of fittings in the process of making a prosthesis for the spot where I am missing all the teeth. I did the prep work a few weeks ago which included having molds made of my jaws and teeth so they could have precision when making the prosthetic.

The first step, several weeks ago, was for the dentist to drill holes into the teeth on either side of the open space. The prosthetic then will fit tightly into the space where my teeth used to be and attaches itself into holes that were drilled into the teeth. I will admit I cringed at him drilling these holes. It was quick but he had to put holes in my previously solid teeth. We typically only have our teeth drilled when we have cavities so this was hard for me. It is what has to be done in order for this piece to fix properly in my mouth and stay there. This piece will be removal but not easily.

The second step is what we did this week. The lab creates a metal frame or base from the molds that were taken of my jawline. The metal frame fit very tightly into the space and into the holes in my teeth. It was slightly off on one side so the doctor took another set of molds, while the frame was in my mouth, and the lab will then make the adjustment according to what the dentist felt needed to be changed. I also chose my teeth color for the prosthetic. The dentist showed me plastic teeth with varying colors and we chose which one would work best to match my existing teeth. When the girls told me I would be choosing a color for my teeth I could not help but be taken back. I guess I should have realized this was coming but it was odd for me to think I was picking out the color of my teeth. I am glad those girls know what they are doing cuz that was definitely a first for me!

Now the dentist will send the new mold and the metal frame off to the lab where they will make the adjustments and eventually send back a second frame to try on. The lab will be adding teeth to the frame eventually. First they get the fit right and eventually add the teeth.

I am not one for major changes. This has certainly been some big changes for me. The road ahead will be filled with more changes. The use of this prosthetic is a change I am still unsure of. I wish I didn't have to use this but its not an optional thing for the course of my recovery. I am like most people; I don't like unknowns. There's still a lot of those ahead for me. I am trying to patiently walk through each change knowing they are ordered by the Lord. I am trying to move towards each unknown realizing they are not unknown by God. He sees and knows it all. He walks ahead of me with each step.

At the ripe young age of 43 I will be wearing a denture. It's not a change I would have chosen. God chose this for me at this time and for reasons I don't understand. I am just asking Him to help me take the next step. One change at a time. I know He knows what He is doing. I trust Him.

Where Things Stand

2010-06-02T04:39:00.002+08:00

I am, for better or for worse, a mile marker kind of person. I like seeing things marked off the list and time move along. Yesterday marked 2 months since surgery for me. At the one month mark I was pretty discouraged. I felt frustrated with where I stood recovery wise. I was just getting ahead of myself and expecting too much too soon. When I saw the surgeon after one month he told me I was getting ahead of the game. He told me to think more along the lines of several months before I would be back to feeling like my ornery self again. The frustration at the one month mark had me down. Along with how I was feeling physically I was extremely frustrated with my eating situation. I was very limited in what I could eat and getting bored quickly with what I was able to take in. All that together made for one unhappy camper. I was trying to think positively and properly but it was very hard to keep myself in that place mentally.

When I think on the fact that I am now 2 months post op it is funny how that extra 4 weeks can make a huge impact on how the body recoups. I have been pretty bored with eating and at times have had to push myself to be creative. That is coming along and I am getting more and more adjusted to what I have to do to enjoy a meal. It does take effort to come up with a variety of things to eat but even that has improved tremendously.

Another positive thing is that I am actually physically feeling better. I have noticed the improvements in how much more I can do and handle than I could even a few weeks ago. Typically I was getting exhausted easily and not so much anymore. That is a sign that I am getting back to some normalcy, if there is such a thing with me! :)

More than anything I am encouraged where I stand as far as perspective goes. Through this time I have wavered on my thinking....bouncing anywhere from "what in the world?" to "when's this gonna end?" and even "give me a break will ya?" I have worked hard on challenging those thoughts and trying to bring myself back to right thinking but at times I just felt like saying forget it! I am glad, though, that I have not been battling this alone. Recently a few of us were discussing how people handle difficult situations apart from the Lord. It has been clear to me...crystal clear....that apart from the Lord I would be a mess right now. I have had my share of struggles during this time, please don't get me wrong because I would never want to give a wrong impression, but the Lord has always lovingly provided the reminders I have needed along the way to readjust my focus and get my attention where it needs to be.

I think the answer to it all lies with the Lord. I really do. I think that trusting in His Sovereignty ultimately will determine how we respond long term in the midst of a trial. We all waver. I do. Sometimes daily to be honest. But the long term response is determined based on our walk with the Lord. That's the lesson in it all. Its not the pep talks from friends, although those DO help, nor is it the "hang in there's" or "finish strong" but rather the hope is found in clinging to the promises in Gods Word. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He will not suffer me to be tempted above what I am able. He will uphold me with His right hand. I will not be moved.

That is where I stand at the present time, two months post op. That is where I want to be standing at 3, 4, 5, and 6 months as well. Only the Lord will get me there.

Thinking On Memorial Day

2010-05-31T22:41:00.006+08:00

Its Memorial Day here in the states. Whenever we pass over Memorial day and discuss our freedoms I am always reminded how blessed we are as Americans. Our country has its problems, no doubt but we really do have it better than most every other country. We really do!

In the country we live in now freedoms are not shared.
As an American, living in America,
we have rights that people in other parts of the world cannot fathom
....literally.....
they are amazed when you tell them how free we really are.
I have grown up knowing these freedoms
and never experiencing need.
I have always had enough food
I have always had a beautiful home to live in
I have always been absolutely free to walk in the doors of my church
without having to exercise caution
Never having to be afraid
I have always been free.....
Until I moved to another country
and experienced their lack of freedoms
their laws became my laws
It hit me several times after we moved there
that I am no longer free.

This particular Memorial Day I am reminded of my freedoms
because I am here in America.
Last Memorial day, when I was in another country
I was not free to go to church
but I did
it wasn't legal.
Yesterday I went to church in America
And I looked around
No one was wondering if it was ok for us to all be there together
It was a large gathering of people
And no one was counting heads and thinking
Do we have too many?
Are we asking for trouble here
Will our neighbors turn us in?

In America we are free
but I think that freedom
can make us lazy as Christians.

Thats just my thoughts
Dont shoot me for them
Living overseas can change you
for good and bad
It changes you....
but one thing is for sure
It helps you to see what you have
when it is taken away.

Family

2010-05-29T03:01:00.003+08:00

It's finally set in stone that my family is coming to be here with me for 2 months!! I am very glad that my husband decided on this. I think it will be good for us all. I am looking forward to having time with them and we will all be together for a short time when Caleb gets back from Hawaii. My girls are looking forward to seeing their brother. Its been a year since we have all been together as a family.

I am not sure what my timetable is at this point. I often get asked that question...."when are you heading back?" It's a hard one for me. Each time I answer I am disappointed because I don't know and it also reminds me that its all still so up in the air. Quite frankly it has been pretty up in the air since February when I first found out about this tumor. As soon as I realized it was a big problem and I had to leave my home to come here and have it fixed it became the focus of my life. I am ready to focus on something else now. :)

SO in a few weeks I WILL have something better to focus on....my gang. I look forward to having time with my girls and getting caught up on life the last 4 months there. I am also looking forward, very much, to some time with my husband. I have missed him and grown very much in my appreciation for him and his juggling abilities. He has been juggling our home and his work well but its time for him to have a break too. This business of being mom and dad is hard on a fella and he is probably happy to hand over half the job for a few months. :) Although I must admit I am afraid the girls are having so much fun with him they might not want me back....they call me the warden.

Meanwhile I am wading through the process of having a prosthesis made that will replace my missing teeth. It takes time and multiple doctors visits with fittings before it is complete. Often I feel like I am just passing time and am fairly aimless. I miss having a house to tend to believe it or not. Having my family come will fill a spot in me that is missing right now. I am a mom and moms don't do much "mom stuff" when their kids are all far away. So I look forward to their arrival. I am blessed with a great family and look forward to having them around me. I only have 15 more days to go....

Upsides

2010-05-21T05:00:00.002+08:00

One thing I have been thinking on lately is the upsides of being here at this time. One great benefit is the ability to be with family and friends. It has been fun to be able to call my friends easily and not have to take into consideration the time zones differences or the cost. Its so easy to just pick up the phone and call. I had forgotten about that convenience. I am near many good friends who I have had the privilege of spending a great deal of time with over these past three months. WOW, just typing that hit me....I have been here just a few days shy of 3 months! Needless to say I have had many lunches and dinners out along with some snacks and coffee chats along the way. I am blessed with some great friends here.

I have also been able to meet some of the new people that are not at IC. Each time we come back I am amazed at all the new people. It is fun to meet them and hear their stories. I have had a little bit of that along the way while I have been here too!

Another big upside is the opportunity I have had for rest. I have had as much of that as I can possibly need or take. It has been good. Amidst the recovering I have found that I have been able to take it slow and not be worried over taking care of a household or family. Although it has been hard to be away from my family it has made recovering easier for me because when my family is around I have a tendency to overdo it or not listen to the doctors orders. Here it has been easier to just stop when I need to and not feel like I am not taking care of my family. My husband has been doing an excellent job of that these months. He has take great care of the girls.

I think another upside as been time at our home church. It has been great to be here with such great teaching and people who are willing to pray for me. I have loved and appreciated it all. I have seen the Lord order my steps and care and provide for all my needs above and beyond. It has been an incredible blessing to me. I have been amazed at how the Lord has provided the right people throughout each step of this process. He has take care of me in an amazing way. Truly God is good to those who are His children. He has taken care of us all. My needs, Hals needs the girls and Caleb. All around each need has been met and every want supplied. That is the upside I have reflected on recently to encourage my own heart. God is good and His mercy endures forever. Trust ye in the Lord forever, for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength. Mighty are the works of the Lord. My soul rests in Him, alone.

Cups, straws, Sundays and such....

2010-05-19T10:46:00.004+08:00

The common question around our house lately has been "do you want me to get you a straw?" My mom seems to ask me that an awful lot. UGHH drinking out of a cup still is hard for me. The other night i was trying to watch something on TV and drink out of a cup at the same time and it just rolled right on down my shirt to my pants! It drives me crazy.

Some days I am spot on and have no trouble with using a cup. As long as I am careful and control how much liquid I let into my mouth at a time I do ok. I have to sip slowly. If I have ice in a cup it makes it harder but thats how I like it the best. Other times I just don't seem to have the knack of it. I seem to spill on myself throughout the entire meal. It is still something I have to keep working at. IF i use a straw I do ok now that my stitches are all out and I can shift the straw to the side of my mouth that has teeth. I am stubborn though and don't want to resort to a straw for the rest of my born days. I have to keep workin at it.

One thing that I find to be the stumbling block for me is fatigue. When I am tired I lisp more and I have a hard time with things like using a cup or even carrying on a conversation without really feeling it in my jaw. I mentioned this to the doc the other day and he agreed that this is still post op stuff. My jaw isn't healed yet. It will take months for it to settle and so the fatigue does factor into my performance of routine functions.

On Sundays I struggle the most. I love to sing in the worship services. It is my favorite part. I have struggled with singing because my jaw can't keep up with the beat of the song and I lisp much more when I sing. I also can't seem to get sound out well. Often I can get through a verse or so and then I am no longer able to keep going. It has been a hard thing for me because I so love to sing the songs. Sometimes I try to just focus in on someone around me that is singing and listen to their voice. Other times I try to get in a few words here and there. Typically though I just stand there and get frustrated. It usually ends in me standing there in tears and fighting off a melt down. I look forward to that part of things going away. I hope it gets better.

If I have to use a straw from here on out that is really no big deal. I have been told by friends there are some pretty cool ones on the market these days. I do hope that with time I can begin to sing again. I hope that's not gone for good. One thing that is amazing to me is the many side effects that this lovely tumor has presented me with. It seems to have made its way into several aspects of my life. I hope someday its a distant memory. For now....its a part of my everyday world.

Tomorrow.....more cup training...without a straw!

Ramblin Around In My Head

2010-05-17T02:53:00.003+08:00

I have had lots of craziness rolling around in my head this week. UP~then down~then back up again. I think my emotions have been on the biggest roller coaster of my life during all of this. I have so many things going on inside my mind and sometimes I can't figure out which feeling to settle on. It drives me crazy honestly. I am looking for some normalcy in a not so normal situation.

I think for me being displaced from my family is starting to hit harder. Combined with the fact that I need to get some more things accomplished to feel like I have closed this chapter off in my current saga. I need to get the teeth made which will hopefully begin this week. Its a few steps process and not quick.

One of the things rolling around in my head is the great things I know about God and how they can be applied to my situation. He is good, He is all knowing, He lovingly places painful events into our lives for our good and His glory. This is just the beginning of all that I know. What is hard for me is the actual down to it applying to everyday life and circumstances. That is where I am living right now. It is what I am working on and thinking a lot about.

I know what I want. God knows what I want. He has chosen to give me something better. I now have to choose to want what He wants for me. That's the bottom line. Its not an easy thing to understand at times nor is it easy to live. I'm workin on it. It is heavy on my heart right now. The reality of living in humble submission to God is that sometimes He chooses something different than I would....and He always chooses whats best. Then I need to choose to be glad for what He is doing in me.

Caleb leaves for Hawaii this Wednesday. I am glad for him to have this opportunity and yet sad for our family. We will miss him this summer. How grateful I am to have had this time with him. I will see him again next year. Our family is really split up right now. It has been hard to talk with my family via the computer and all the while wish I was with them. I do know its best that I be here and have this done. I also know that the work there needs to keep moving which requires they stay there. Sometimes I just wish we were all together and this was all done. In time...Gods time.

That's just the beginning of whats rambling around in my head. All~Good ~Stuff

Dental Implants

2010-05-14T04:13:00.003+08:00

Tonight I am going to a dental implants seminar. This is the process that I will be undergoing next March. The process involves drilling into the jaw bone and placing titanium posts that are left there for several months to settle in and allow gum to grow up around the posts. After the posts are laid and the waiting time is over the surgeon goes back in and places the teeth on the posts. The posts are actually like screws that are drilled into the jaw bone. I will have 8 teeth replaced using this procedure. It gives me pain in the jaw just thinking of it. :)

My surgeon is teaching a class on the procedure so he thought it would be good for me to hear how the work is done and what all is involved. I have read up some on the work but this will be good for me to hear what he has to say and see a power point on the entire process. It will supposedly change things for me dramatically when I actually get the implant work done. My surgeon said that the only people that could tell these teeth are not mine will be me and the dentist. It is a procedure itself to have them removed. Only the dentist can remove them because they are 100% permanent otherwise.

The prospect of normal teeth again someday is encouraging to me. It is also amazing what technology can allow for in our day and age. My surgeon told me that 10 years ago I would have not had nearly the positive prognosis that I do now. He reminded me last week that with time and patience I will have a great outcome. It is just going to take some time to get there and a few more procedures too! :)

I am looking forward to hearing tonight's lecture. In many respects it will probably provide a little light at the end of my tunnel. I know that all of this is squarely in Gods hands but part of how HE takes care of these things is the provision of a good surgeon. He has certainly provided that for me so I am anxious to see how this will all work. I am grateful for the prospect of teeth again down the road because you know what that means don't ya? It means chewing and eating again. Woo hoo....that is something to look forward to! :)

What I'm Listening to.....

2010-05-12T22:35:00.000+08:00

Still my soul be still
And do not fear
Though winds of change may rage tomorrow
God is at your side
No longer dread
The fires of unexpected sorrow

Chorus:
God You are my God
And I will trust in You and not be shaken
Lord of peace renew
A steadfast spirit within me
To rest in You alone

Still my soul be still
Do not be moved
By lesser lights and fleeting shadows
Hold onto His ways
With shield of faith
Against temptations flaming arrows

Still my soul be still
Do not forsake
The Truth you learned in the beginning
Wait upon the Lord
And hope will rise
As stars appear when day is dimming

Aftermath

2010-05-11T08:08:00.003+08:00

I went today to the dentist to deal with the aftermath of my surgery and the medications. After surgery I was on 4 different medications. Some were pain meds, since I was dealing with a lot of pain, and then antibiotics and anti-microbial rinse to try to keep my mouth clean when I could not brush. It also kept the stitches clean. One of the side effects was that the mouth rinse turned my teeth brown and grey. The brown was horrible looking and I could not wait to get that off.

The hygienist had her work cut out for her. When I went in her office I told her upfront I am so tentative about anything with my mouth right now and my jaw does not open very wide. I agreed to try but was not sure how far we would get. I was told by the surgeon that I needed to get this done but I was not wanting to do it. She was very kind and understanding when she saw what I am dealing with. It was hard for me to even let her look inside my mouth. I was exhausted when I got done. I was so tensed up and leery which made her have stop a lot. She spent a lot of time working on my teeth to get the residue off. There is no getting that stuff of yourself, she had to use the tooth power washer. :)

I am not typically very good in the dentist chair but the hygienist is not the problem for me so much as the doc when he has to do something in my mouth. Ugg....its coming. One of my previous fillings needs to be fixed. It is one of my few remaining molars so we need to preserve them for sure. Next week I think he will have to sedate me. I can't imagine I will be able to handle him drilling when I was holding on for dear life over a simple cleaning. My mouth is just on sensitivity overdrive. I fought tears the entire time today. I had to explain that to the hygienist and thankfully she got it. She didn't seemed phased by my wimpyhood.

One funny fact is that since my lip and lower jaw is numb I don't feel liquids when they come down out of my mouth. She was using her handy dandy power washer in my mouth and would periodically give me a chance to use the suction thingy-ma-bob to get rid of the accumulation. At one point she apologized because some of the water was evidently running down my face. I just laughed and reminded her I could not feel it so it wasn't bothering me. She also had to pull my lower lip back to try to work on one of my teeth and she again apologized thinking it was uncomfortable. I guess having all this numbness has its perks.

Next week I talk to the doc about making the partial denture. The hygienist showed me an example of what we would have made. It's just hard for me to imagine this. I guess it will become an easier reality for me with time. I just need more time.

Today I was hit with one big reality. I have known this all along but today it hit me like a ton of bricks....I have a lot of teeth missing in my mouth! When she used the camera inside my mouth to take video of my teeth it kind of made me shudder....there are a lot of my teeth that just aren't there anymore. Again I sat there fighting the tears and eventually lost it all together. I suppose to some it sounds vain or trivial. To me its still just hard. I wish I hadn't had this crazy tumor. God chose this for me and sometimes its hard to understand. I know He knows what He is doing and today I repeated that back to myself many times over. "He is God, I am not". Wow, what a hard concept to wade through while laying in the dentists chair wishing my teeth back.

I think the next steps of fixing this problem are perhaps the hardest. I used to think it was the surgery that was going to be rough. Now I am seeing its the aftermath. I am asking the Lord to help me weather this storm. The winds are whipping and the waves are high. The battle is in my mind.

Crazy As This Might Sound......

2010-05-09T13:19:00.003+08:00

Caleb came home tonight. I was so excited to have him here. I have not been home when he has come back from a semester or year of college. He always comes home to my parents house and they take care of all his comings and goings. Being home during this time I get the opportunity to be here when he arrives home. I have not seen him in over a year now and so it was extra special for me.

Crazy as this might sound I was excited to throw in a load of his laundry when he got here. It was nice because I got to do it for him. My mom usually does that for him. THIS time I got to do some of his laundry and well for lack of better way of saying it....I got to do some "mom" things for him! For me that is the perfect Mothers Day present. I got to do some mom stuff for my son. My time being able to do that is fast departing. He's growin up on me.

This summer Caleb will be going to Hawaii to do a intership with a pastor there. We are most certainly glad for him to go but it does mean he wont be coming to China. That means that the girls and Hal wont see him for another year. The next time we see him it will have been 2 years before they will all have seen each other. We are glad for this opportunity for him but it will be hard.

Ironically laundry has never been one of my favorite household chores. Tonight, though, I was more than happy to toss in a load of his clothes and help him out. I was happy being a mom to him. I have missed him a lot.

Improvements Along The Journey

2010-05-06T11:41:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I get to thinking about all the frustrations of this situation I am dealing with and I forget to list off all the things that are going well. I have seen some great progress and improvement over the course of the last months and I need to remember to chart that. Keeping track of the good things helps keep my head from spinning off over the hard stuff. Here's a little sampling of what I mean:

During surgery some of my salivary glands were eliminated. This is not a horrible problem but it means that my mouth was all out of whack inside for a while after surgery. I have been sleeping propped up because up until this past week or so my mouth would fill with saliva and I would wake up choking. I could not get it to stop and it would keep me awake at night. Once the packing came out of my mouth from surgery I could feel this immediately. It was driving me crazy trying to sleep at night. This week I realized that has settled down now. Most likely my mouth has evened this out on its own. Initially the other salivary glands were just working over time. Glad that is over, I was having a hard time sleeping with all the choking going on.

Another issue that is well on the mend is that my stitches were all removed. HIP HIP HOORAH! My mouth is now free of all those threads. I felt them with my tongue all the time and that was driving me nutty. Some of my teeth were secured in with large stitches and I am so happy to have them out. The doctor decided to remove them rather than wait for them to fall out. He did that mainly because they were loosened enough and they were holding up the making of the mold for my denture. He was very kind to not make me wait for another week or so.

I am now officially OFF the pain meds. Some of you may have heard me jumping for joy from across the downriver area. Yes, folks I am not longer a Vicadin-head. I am so happy to have that over with. I went for a full day with NO pain meds today. I was taking two kinds of pain meds every few hours and now I am livin in a drug free zone. I had a bit of a headache today for a while but nothing an ibuprofen couldn't zap. Sleeping is a bit hard because my jaw is still sensitive and so I can't really sleep on either side of my face. I had been sleeping propped up to keep from choking and rolling on my side. SO now I sleep laying down like the rest of the world and just try to keep from bonking my jaw or chin.

My gumline is almost all healed up. Wow, after he took the stitches out last week it was like the rest of the holes where my teeth used to be just closed up. It seemed like it happened overnight. That makes taking foods in easier.

I also am adjusting to the back of my throat on one side being numb. Sometimes when food gets back there I am not initially aware of it because I don't feel it. When it shifts over and I have already added more food into my mouth I have a problem gagging. So now I am getting adjusted to the need for me to take the food in, shift it over with my tongue to my good side and then swallow. Its all in the technique. I am well on my way to mastering this art form. Its all these hidden talents I have that you would never know about if you hadn't read my blog. :)

So folks, there you have it. I am making progress. I don't always see it. I often dismiss these small things as relatively unimportant in the big picture but ya know they really are all a part of the healing process. There truly are improvements along this journey. I have to remember that, although slow, I am progressing one step at a time.

Neeeeext...

2010-05-04T01:18:00.004+08:00

My next move is to see the dentist next week. I will get my teeth cleaned well since the post surgery rinse that I used basically turned my teeth brown and grey. :( It is an antibiotic type rinse that is needed to keep my mouth really clean while everything is healing up. The teeth turning colors is normal and should all come off when the teeth get cleaned. I can't get it off my self but the ladies at the dentist office are much more equipped to do the job with all those noisy tools they have. ( I cannot stand the sounds in the dentist office....I get nervous just going in there) Ironically my crazy fear in life is sitting in the dentist chair. I literally get all panicky sitting there so who'd a thunk I'd be dealing with a dental tumor. I have spent WAY too much time in the dentist chair these past few months! UGH!

When I see the doc to have my teeth cleaned we will discuss the making of my dentures. I have 8 spots to fill in my mouth now so he will make a partial denture that will fill that gap and hold my teeth in line and keep my jaw line from shifting. This step is important because if I don't have this made and wear it the surgeon said I could end up losing all my teeth. The teeth could shift and that might not be fixable. He stressed that to me this week when I saw him. I tried to weasel out of the dentures because I am getting accustomed to having the teeth gone and it is not real noticeable since they are on the bottom and my lips cover the area. Most people say they can't tell they are gone. I briefly made a comment to the surgeon and he told me we would have big problems if I don't wear this denture.

I'll just be honest and post it.....I don't want to do this part. I just can't imagine myself wearing dentures let alone the idea of even going in to have this made. I think I am dreading this just as much as the surgery. I am sure it will be fine with time. I am sure I will get used to them like everything else. I just keep thinking this is for much older people than I. I should not be going to be fitted for dentures.

Needless to say this is hard for me. Perhaps its pride. I went to church yesterday determined I was not going to worry about everyone looking at my face trying to see my jaw and missing teeth. I just told myself I would be doing the same thing....looking at it closely. It happened, a lot. No biggie, I just tried to appreciate the kindness and love I was shown. I tried to remind myself that it DOES NOT matter how I look. These are my friends and church family who care about me, know what I have had done and love me anyway. SO what if I look odd. I am odd anyway (yeah you are thinking that, admit it!) :)

Having things like this done makes ya think. I asked my husband, before he left to go back to china, if he could handle how I was going to look and the missing teeth and all. He laugh at the question and gave me an "of course you dummy" kinda of look and then he reminded me we are in this together. I am glad to know he can handle me dentures and all.

If you had told me 6 months ago this would all be happening I would have rolled my eyes at you and laughed with a "yeah right"! It is amazing how life can take a quick change in direction. This tumor business has suddenly changed the course of things for the next few years. Now it seems like life evolves around the reconstruction phase of this. For today, I am asking for the Grace I need for the next step. Odd as it might sound to others the idea of getting dentures makes me think I need a large dose of that Grace. Thankfully I know the one that can supply it. I'm holding on to that!

Back Again

2010-04-30T10:58:00.003+08:00

I am back in Michigan. The return trip was uneventful but a little depressing. When I landed it was rainy, cold and I was still thinking in Florida temperatures. :( It was rough on me as one who was wearing short sleeves, a skirt and sandals.

I see the surgeon tomorrow and am glad for that. I have a list of questions I want to ask him...yeah I'm geeky that way~I made a list. I am close to being able to take myself down off pain medicines and that will be a welcomed day. I dont like the fuzzy headed feeling of the pain meds but if I go without it I can't get the pain under control for a few days. The last few days, though, have been much better and my jaw is feeling less painful. I lessened my dosage slightly yesterday and today and it did not cause me any problems. That is what we call improvement!! YIPEE!

I'm thankful that I am able to be here amongst family and friends but I do look forward to the time the doctor says I can go home. We have some hurdles yet to hop over before that day comes. Each doctors visit now is one step closer to that goal. Now if these stitches would only fall out I would be well on my way. A few have fallen out but for the most part my mouth is still stitches from one side to the other. Since my jaw is numb I dont feel them. One very welcomed side effect. :)

The next step is the making of a denture that will fit into the spot where my teeth are missing. I am not looking forward to that. I just think that will be hard to wear. I dont have much bone or gum left so they will have to work hard to make it stay in the spot. I dont look forward to wearing that but if I don't the other teeth in my lower jaw will begin to shift and become loose. The denture actually serves as a spacer of sorts. It wont be for me to chew; it's just to keep my jaw and teeth in line.

I am glad for the time I was able to spend in Florida. It was very good for me. I think the bright sunshine, rest and fun time with my parents helped me mentally and emotionally after this surgery. It was hard when Hal left so heading south and having some sunshine therapy was just what the doctor ordered! It will be good to get back to church on Sunday~~one of the huge perks of being in the states is our church family and the good teaching. It is good to be back!

Adjustments

2010-04-26T12:16:00.002+08:00

I consider myself an adjuster. Not trying to be proud here, just giving an assessment of how I view myself. Trust me there are weaknesses that far outweigh this particular trait but they aren't the subject of this post. :) I say that I am an adjuster because I tend to enjoy figuring out ways to get on with life when I get thrown a zinger. After our house fire a few years ago I had the hardest time getting the "adjuster" in me to come out....but eventually it kicked in and we learned how to move through that time and it went smoothly. I just had a delayed response.

I have adjusted to living in China fairly easily all points considered. I am not bragging here....there are parts of moving abroad that I did NOT excel at but the adjusting went ok for me. I am thankful that the adventurous side of me kicked in when we moved to the other side of the world! My kids seem to have my sense of adventure as well and my girls, in particular, can almost surpass me in that area....almost :)

One adjustment that has been hard for me thus far is this surgery and the after effects. I am reworking how I drink and thankfully have graduated off the sipper cup and past the dripping all down my shirt business that comes with a totally numb lip and jaw. I still can't get coffee to work for me unless its from one of those cups that has a spout but I will get there eventually I am sure. The idea of eating the soft foods has been a very frustrating one for me. I can't imagine it working in china....its just going to be harder than here that is for sure. We have lots of options here that aren't available there. In China we eat almost all chinese during the course of the week and I can't imagine putting all that in the blender. Yuck, That just sounds so gross to me. I do think I will struggle with that when I go back and so I have a mind block when it comes to that adjustment. I pray that my "adjuster" side will kick in quickly when it comes to that.

Another adjustment for me is the idea that I am going to be without all these teeth for a long time. Its also a very odd feeling in my jaw with it being numb. My jaw feels like its fake and is just dead weight on my face. I have not adjusted to that yet. The pain is decreasing but in some respects that allows me to sense the numbness all the more. Its just odd brushing my teeth and not feeling it. All of these things are adjustments going on at the same time. I suspect that is part of the cause for the delay in successful adjusting on my part. Its a lot of things to juggle at once for me. Add to the mix all the thinking I have been doing about getting back home (and wondering when that will be) as well as what the next surgery will do to me and our family. Those thoughts and issues make for a lot of mental adjusting. I am lacking in the super-dee-duper brain cells department so sometimes it wears me out thinking of all the possible angles.

So lately I have been asking the Lord to help me with all the adjusting. Sometimes its as simple as "help me not drip my drink down my shirt anymore". I know that doesn't sound like a big goal but its one of the steps in the adjusting process that I have to take. I need the Lord to help me adjust so I can move on and not fall apart. I know it sounds silly but sometimes I just ask the Lord to help me be satisfied with what I CAN eat. I get kind of sick of the options right now and even get "puddinged out". Thats my way of saying I am gettin tired of pudding!

In life we always have to adjust. This curve ball of a surgery has created a lot more adjustments that need to be made in my particular life. I am asking the Lord to help me be extra flexible and handle each step. They tell me it's gonna take time. I have to be patient. I don't do patient real well. Its going to move slowly and I need to take it one....day....at...a...time!

Thank You For Our Food...........

2010-04-23T06:00:00.002+08:00

I have been working on my eating and trying to develop a little bit of a menu. Its hard on vacation and will definitely be easier at home. Last night I took my dinner out by the pool and ate. It was a nice night and seemed to make my meal just a little nicer. While I was getting ready to eat I did as I always do and paused to thank the Lord for my food. When I got done I realized that I need to start including into that prayer some giving thanks for the fact that I can eat my food.

A few nights ago my friend was telling me about her day at work. She works to help people with their eating after they have suffered some difficulties such as stroke, brain tumor or just problems related to aging. As a part of her job she was helping a group with eating and swallowing. It dawned on me last night that I AM able to eat and on my own. I can't chew my food right now but I am still able to take in and taste foods. Some people are fed via tube or have lost their ability to do these things themselves. I really don't have it that bad. I just have to work a little harder to enjoy my food right now. Its a phase I have to get through as I wait for healing and the next surgery. Its not permanent. I am totally self sufficient. I have a lot to be thankful for. Really....I do!

So next time you give thanks for your food....pause for a moment and give thanks for the ability to eat it on your own with ease. Its a new addition to my prayer for thanks before my meals. I thank the Lord that I can still eat on my own, taste it all, swallow comfortably as long as the food is soft. It really is a blessing to me...someone who loves her food :)

The Long Road Ahead

2010-04-17T02:20:00.003+08:00

I am glad to be able to be here in Florida with my parents for a lay around and rest kind of break. If I were in Michigan I would be laying around the house watching TV so this is a chance to at least be outside and get some sunshine while I wait for my mouth to heal up. Its been very nice, quiet and fun. I am feeling a bit better with each day.

One of the things I have been thinking about is that I still have a long road ahead of me before we close the book on this health issue. I met with the surgeon just before I came to Florida and he told me that I will need a bone graft to repair and rebuild my jaw bone. That means I have another rough surgery ahead of me. I probably shouldn't be thinking about that too much right now since I still have a mouth full of stitches from one side of my mouth to the other as well as the stitches where my teeth used to be. In other words....A LOT of stitches in my mouth right now. Its healing that is for sure but they are all still there. They will not come out any time soon....apparently they take a long time before they will come out.

When I think towards the next surgery and what that recovery will be like and etc...I get overwhelmed thinking "i have to do this all over again?" Yuck! After that surgery has healed, months down the road, we will begin the process of replacing my teeth by laying the posts for implants. That is another surgery itself which of course means more recovering. After that has settled in and they have settled well in my mouth and gums then I will actually get the teeth. So the long haul of it is that I wont have teeth back for at least two years.

I can't eat anything beyond soft foods until the teeth are actually implanted so that means it will be a long time before I will chew again. When I think about this scenario it just seems like a loooong time. Hopefully as I get used to this and begin to work on ways to give myself some variety the prospect of this new kind of life will get easier.

Dont get me wrong, I am thankful that things went as well as they did. My surgeon reminded me last week that I was fortunate on so many levels as to how this turned out. He said it could have been much worse and, in fact, he thought it was going to be himself. He said he was glad to meet me in the recovery room and give me the good news. And it was just that...good news. I just need to adjust and be patient with myself and this slow recovery phase. I am just not so good at that!

Meanwhile, I am missing my family big time. I am thankful for how well the kids have done through all of this. They have been so helpful and patient with all the adjusting. I thank the Lord for His enabling our entire family to flex.....flexibility is the name of the game with all of this!

One final note......Caleb is coming home from college soon and I will be here to see him! That is one huge benefit from all of this. I am excited to see that boy!!

Rough Recovery.....

2010-04-15T07:39:00.005+08:00

This post is so my husband can see that I am still alive and well
and suffering here in America!
If you are gonna recover from surgery this is definitely the place to do it
Its been really rough..... :o)

Whats New?

2010-04-11T01:19:00.002+08:00

The past week I have been trying to take stock of the new feelings, sensations or lack of them in my mouth. In some respects I have been taking an inventory of what has changed. There are definitely some differences in how my mouth feels and functions from prior to surgery until now.

First off my lower lip is totally numb. I can't feel it anymore. This is permanent since the nerves in my jaw were severed by the surgeon because the tumor was intertwined around the central nerves. Its an odd sensation that causes a few wrinkles for me. Using a cup has been a challenge since I can't feel my lower lip. I have been learning to use my tongue as a guide to keep the cup close enough and my mouth closed so that the drink doesn't spill out of my mouth and down my face. I pretty much have the hang of it but can't let my mouth get too full of liquid or else I find it down my neck and on my shirt. :) Practice makes perfect and I am practicing this big time!!

Secondly my lower jaw is also numb. This is also due to the nerves being severed. It is also permanent. I cannot feel my teeth, gums or jaw movement. I do think that the sensation of my jaw movement is coming back some as the days pass. Initially I could not feel it, and that is not unusual, but I am starting to feel movement farther back in my cheek and closer to my ears. When I brush my teeth I have to look because I can't feel the pressure of brushing at all. I just dont feel anything when I brush at all....its weird....its like I am not brushing but I know that I am. :) Since I dont have many teeth left in my lower jaw and I have a mouth full of stitches brushing has been interesting. I use a special rinse to keep everything clean but yesterday the surgeon said to start actually gently brushing the lowers that are left. Up until now I have been only brushing the top and just using the rinse. I have to really watch because I cannot feel if I am doing damage or hitting the stitches. Its just a funny feeling that i know all those stitches are there but I cannot feel them. My mouth is loaded with stitches literally! It is a blessing though because that part of recovery is far less painful since I don't have to feel the stitches!

Lastly the back of my throat in the back on one side is numb. When food gets back there I dont know it or feel it so I have to work on positioning my food that goes in to keep from gagging or choking on it. I think this is my biggest hurdle. The soft foods definitely helps to keep this from being a problem now. I think when I actually get teeth back it will not be so bad because I will have a normal set of teeth back to make sure food is all chewed up before I try to swallow. Right now I am working on keeping my spoonfuls of food small so that I don't feel like I am gagging on it when I take it in. The soft foods go down easily but sometimes when it hits that spot in the back of my throat I panic a bit. I think this feeling of panic will change with time and practice. Meanwhile I am working on getting my foods smooth and well blended so that I dont engage the gag reflex!

In the end the permanent changes are small compared to what it could be. These things are all workable. I have to admit learning how to use a cup at my age is odd but hey, why not take on a new hobby huh? :) Once I get this mastered I can get back to coffee but for now I am sticking to cold drinks so I dont get something hot all down the front of me. :) The numbness in my mouth is just what it is. It doesn't change much for me and will make the rest of my dentist visits easier since I wont feel the work being done on my teeth :)

Overall the new challenges I have are not too bad. Already I have begun to master the fine art of the cup along with swallowing thinned out oatmeal. I am well on my way to conquering the newness factor. One day at a time.....

A New Normal

2010-04-09T06:21:00.002+08:00

I have been working on preparing for how to handle the next phase of post op. I need to figure out how to prepare meals with some variety and get enough calories that are in pureed form. I am thinking that this happening in the age of the internet is a huge blessing. Everything you want and don't want to know is available on the internet. I have been reading up on pureeing foods and soups that pack in the nutrition and calories I need. Right now my appetite is not back so I don't necessarily feel like eating but my body reminds me that I need it and the surgeon has reminded me how important it is that I work at getting food in me.

Calories are important for healing. The primary reason I didn't get my mouth wired shut was because the surgeon wanted me to be sure and get enough calories so that my healing can be effective. Initially after surgery I was getting dizzy and feeling like I was going to pass out. I soon found out that it was a lack of protein and calories. Once I started taking in the Ensure drinks that settled down. All the typical soft foods are more along the sweet line (pudding, jello, applesauce) and so I need to now work on meal options that actually make me feel like I am eating as opposed to having a snack. I love mashed potatoes but I am already feeling a bit sick of them. I can eat them if they are thinned down so I have been putting other things in the mashed potatoes to snag some variety. I love sweet potatoes so they are working well which I am glad for! Hopefully with more time and practice I will get good at swallowing different textures of foods that can go down easily. I am realizing that initially I sort of panic in my throat when I try a new texture and I have to learn how to get it to the right consistency that works and goes down well. Its gonna take some practice that's for sure.

One of the amazing parts of this entire situation has been the connections all along the way. We have been blessed with a church family that has all kinds of talented people with backgrounds that have been very helpful for me in this situation. In fact these friends have been willing to use their gifts and abilities to help me get through this time. I am SO thankful and blessed. One of our friends is a dentist who helped me get a good surgeon and work through the details that we needed in order to get a diagnosis. Another friend is also a Nurse Anesthetist who arranged for my Anesthesiologist the day of my surgery (who was an incredible help to me that day). One of my friends is a speech pathologist and is going to help me figure all this food stuff out. I will soon be schooled in the fine art of pureeing foods. It will be a helpful thing for me as I work to find a new normal.

I realize that in life nothing is truly "normal". I also realize that if we work hard at it and have the Lord's help we can get used to changes that occur along the journey of life. I am working on the adjusting and keeping an open mind to the things I need to do to obtain a new normal and get comfortable in that spot. The past few days I have been frustrated with what I have to do to settle into all of this. I am thankful that I am not in this alone. I am thankful that it is not going to depend on me to muster up the strength to handle this. For me the "new normal" in life has been determined by God. Thankfully if He has chosen this for me then He knows it is not too much for me to handle. I am so grateful that I do not walk through this alone. I am hanging onto that!

My Next Few Months

2010-04-06T22:48:00.002+08:00

I met with the surgeon yesterday for my first follow up visit, one week post op. He said I am healing well in my mouth and my face swelling is almost down. Honestly my facial swelling has been not too bad and the bruising minimal. I have been surprised actually at how quickly it all went down. It's helped me with the desire to get some normalcy back to my life to not be swollen up like a pumpkin :)

The surgeon did tell me that I have some time ahead of me for healing. I have to let myself rest and heal and that is not always easy for me. The surgeon said that my jaw and chin bone were extremely worn away by the tumor so I have a very thin jaw bone left. I need to be very careful because any use of the jaw bone or getting hit and etc could easily cause the jaw bone to snap. Now I will need to allow the bone to heal from this first surgery and then go through bone grafting from my hip to my jaw sometime next year. He will need more bone in order to build the jaw back up and also to be able to put new teeth in my lower jaw. Right now the missing teeth has created such a large gap in the bottom that my teeth dont feel like they are lined up right at all. It is an odd feeling for sure. Because of the weakened state of my jaw and chin I am not going to be allowed to chew at all until after the next surgery (and recovery from that) which will not be until next year. It just seems like a very long time until I will be able to actually bite food again. I am now on soft foods like jello, pudding, soups and etc. This, my friends, is gonna be a long very dull eating year. :( It looks like I am going to have to get creative as far as ways to get some variety as well as nutrition. Yes, the pounds are slipping off....a bright spot in the whole ordeal :)

The surgeon was hopeful towards my case that eventually he would be able to put in permanent dental implants that will look and function like real teeth. He assured me that we will get to that point eventually but not after we have jumped over some big hurdles. I felt better knowing that eventually I would have real functioning teeth again someday. Someday...down the road anyway. The bone graft from my hip to my mouth is another rough surgery from the sounds of it. My jaw needs to be rebuilt up to the point where it has strength as well as the ability to hold the screws for the new teeth. That time just seems so far away to me right now.

I walked away from yesterdays meeting with the surgeon hopeful about a few things but I also was frustrated with the idea of eating the equivalent of baby food for more than a year. I know I need to be patient with this process. I also realize that I am still only one week out from surgery and therefore still dealing with post op issues and emotions. I wear out easy, can't be up and around for very long without being ready for bed and I am still on heavy pain meds. All of those things can do a number on ya for sure.

I need to look at what could have been and be truly thankful for how the Lord spared me from those details. I also need to look at how hopeful the future is based on some amazing technology of our days. I also need to look at the fact that Lord has given me this time for a purpose. It is to learn to know Him better, to see His hand at work and see his Greatness and also ultimately for His Glory. I hope that I am able to view this that way for the long haul. I have a long haul ahead of me and I want to keep the right perspective in front of me. One day at a time........

Post-Surgery Update

2010-04-04T12:00:00.003+08:00

Yes, I am still alive. Sometimes it feels like barely...but I am still here. :)

The surgery went very well. I woke up in the recovery room to my surgeon holding my hand and telling me that everything went even better than he anticipated. He said I didn't bleed too much during surgery which would have made his job a lot harder and they did not have any problems with my anesthesia and etc. He said the surgery even took less time than he had anticipated with the best possible scenario. All of these things together were great things to hear as I was waking up.

The surgeon did tell me that he came across a small hole in my lingual cortex. This is the area just behind my lower front teeth and the casing that holds in the tongue. It is the area responsible for our speaking and chewing and etc. He was hoping from the onset to not have to deal with this area, in other words he was hoping that it had not been breached by the tumor itself. The small hole was small enough for him to allow for leaving the lower jaw intact and not have to remove it. Initially he told me if that area had been affected by the tumor he would need to remove the entire jaw so I could wake up with that end result. He had tested the area before and could not feel that it was breached by the tumor but would not know for sure until he got inside and could see. The small hole in the cortex could be fixed temporarily and allowing for the rest of the tumor to be removed and not the entire jaw. THAT is a huge answer to prayer. When I first woke up from anesthesia I immediately began to reach for my face trying to see if he had to do a more radical surgery. The surgeon was there, grabbing my hand and telling me that it went well and he did not have to remove my jaw or wire me shut. At that point I could not speak or even move but I could squeeze his hand really hard and cry. I did both! The things that I was worried most about were avoided. I thank the Lord for that and for His Graciousness to me!

The surgeon told me that because of the bone deterioration and the hole in the cortex he would need to do a bone graft with my next surgery. He will take the bone from my hip and rebuild my jawbone in order to stabilize it and make the jaw able to sustain teeth down the road. This makes for a more difficult second surgery but it is what we need to do in order to rebuild from the damage of the tumor. Apparently this tumor was large and had torn through my jaw bone with some intensity. We caught it at the right time in order to avoid a radical removal of my jaw which would require a plate be put in to replace my jawbone. As you can see I am so thankful for how this ended up. I have prayed, along with many others and I know that this is the Lord's answer to those prayers.

Now I am dealing with the healing phase from the loss of teeth and the work on my jaw and chin. OUCH....it feels like I was smacked around :). 7 of my teeth were removed which makes for some need for healing and adjusting. I am struggling with getting the proper nutrients in for what I need. My blood sugar is swinging up and down because I am not able to take in anything solid other than very thin foods. Even applesauce and yogurt take work for me to try to eat. Yesterday we started using the Ensure nutritional drink supplement and that helped me to gain a sense of energy and stability. I kept feeling like passing out whenever I moved around. The lack of proteins and calories in my diet were doing a number on my blood sugar. Thankfully the drink supplement has helped tremendously! I was able to stay awake for a few hours today and that was a nice change of pace from mostly sleeping the days away.

In the months ahead we will work on finding ways to get a more normal diet considering the lack of teeth and minimal use of my jaw. I need to minimize the use of my jaw to allow for healing. The surgeon did not wire me shut with the idea that I would not be chewing or doing anything to use my jaw much in the coming months. I am on strict orders to be very careful with my weakened jaw. For now the biggest things I am allowed to do are rest and move around the house a little. Otherwise I am restricted until my jaw has had time to heal and bone begin to grow. I was happy to oblige in order to keep from having my jaw wired shut. I will be a good patient in order to keep that from happening!

Thank you for your prayers. I am grateful, incredibly grateful, to the Lord for His Grace and help during this time. I have spent a great deal of time praying for His these past few weeks. I saw His hand in all of this from day one through until today. He has provided the right help with doctors and friends and family. I do not take any of these things lightly. I take them as steps that have been directed by God for my good. He loves me and has cared for me via the people around me and through each detail of this situation. I can trust Him, so I will continue to do so throughout the rest of this process. Long road ahead of us....but He is in control of the outcome. Thanks be to Him for His Grace and Mercy yesterday, today and tomorrow!

Surgery

2010-03-30T09:00:00.002+08:00

My Surgery is tomorrow (Tuesday March 30th) at 7:30 AM
As you think of it please pray that it goes smoothly and that there are not a great deal of permanent side effects.

I am thankful to know that God is in control of this day
I am thankful to know that God is also in control of tomorrow.
Nothing surprises Him
Nothing catches Him off guard
There is nothing that comes into my life that is not first
Planned into my life.

I am thankful to know and trust in A Sovereign God!

Back In The USA

2010-03-29T10:47:00.002+08:00

My husband is here! It was so good to see him when he arrived at the airport and it has been good to have some time with him to myself. It helps just having him here to talk with and of course, as always, he makes me laugh.

One of the things I was thinking about it how blessed I am to have the husband that I do. He was more than willing to come back and be with me. I knew that I wanted him here and needed him but I also knew that it would be a lot for him to get things done there with the work, house and girls in order to make that happen. He had a lot of arrangements to make in order to pull this off. I am so thankful that he was more than willing but even reminding me that it is what he wanted to do.

As a result of his coming I have been spoiled rotten. I sit in the recliner and he hops up and says "what do you want~ I am here to take care of you". I didn't have the heart to mention that I hadn't actually had surgery yet :) He has been waiting on me and wining and dining me. Ok, maybe not wining me since I don't drink wine but certainly coke and tea whenever I want. We have spent a lot of time just being together which is what I have been missing these past 5 weeks.

I am grateful to my husband for not only being willing to come but for making it clear to me that he wants to be here for me. I will be glad now to just get this overwith and move on to the recovery phase. I think the waiting is the worst part. It has been almost two months now since I found out about the tumor so the day cannot possibly get here any faster. NOT that I am excited....I am just wanting it to be in the past!

To all you readers out there that are single.......when it comes time to pick a man make sure you pick one that you know will stand beside you when you are at your worst. I am quite certain my husband is going to experience some of that in me this week. Good thing he likes me huh?
Actually it is a good thing he is a man that loves the Lord and his family with all his heart. That, my friends, is the kinda guy you want standing next to you when you are in a situation like me. I'm so glad he is here with me!

Seeing God In The Trial

2010-03-25T11:09:00.004+08:00

I have been away from my family now for a month. It seems like a lot longer to me in many respects. I have missed being with them and being able to hear the girls stories as they come home from school. They always have very interesting things that happen to them each day. We often laugh over them at dinner. I miss that....the laughing and talking.

Friday my husband comes into town. I can hardly wait. I have missed that man terribly and skyping and video chat are great but it just does not compare to our times at home when we can talk face to face. I wish he were coming here under different circumstances. We will be able to have the weekend alone before my surgery next week and I am so happy about that!

One thing I have been trying to really concentrate on is how all of this needs to be viewed. Often in the middle of things that are difficult we lose sight of a lot because we get overwhelmed. I understand that feeling because the past few weeks have been just that for me. Doctors appointments, lab work, xrays and etc can make a head spin. For me those things combined with the long waiting time is what puts me over the edge. For that reason I have had to be much more intentional about what I am reading and thinking. I have been determined to do that so I don't let my emotions take over. Believe me when they take over they really take over and the result is never rooted in anything that comes from the Lord!

For me the thing that has helped is splitting up my thinking. Yes I am scared, concerned, afraid, frustrated and a whole plethora of other similar emotions but that does not mean they need to take over. I have been trying to set aside a time to think the other way. By that I mean reminding myself of all the Scripture I know that addresses those emotions and reminds me of Who God is. I have been trying to set aside specific times where I remind myself what God's Word says about His Sovereignty and the steadfast love He promises me. I have been reading a lot about how He can be trusted and that His plans for me are always perfect. In a nutshell the battle for me (and I would say us all but I can't speak for you) is in the mind. I need to work on my thinking and get it where it needs to be....off of me and on to God. That gets hard for us feeble humans (and perhaps females even more so) because this thing in our lives hurts. It really does, there is no question about it....and it is hard.

I am learning. It takes time because I am a slow learner. But these things I do know and am trying to know more of; God is good even when it hurts. God is good even when we don't understand what He is doing in our lives. God is working in me. God is working to make me more like Christ. So I will trust Him and ask for Him to do a work in me that allows me to walk humbly through this time and learn more of His steadfast, unchanging Grace. He loves me and can be trusted. I'm holding on to that!

A Word Fitly Spoken

2010-03-21T11:23:00.000+08:00

I have been in and around the church all my life. All my life....all...of...it. I think when you are like me you get used to it and forget what the church and its function is all about. I think we get to moving through the services, fellowships and ministries without actually taking the time to assess what in the world we are actually doing it for. At least that's my perspective and I am often wrong so don't beat me up if you disagree.

I recognize that the primary focus of the church isn't "me" oriented at all. The church exists primarily to bring God glory. I think that's a relatively new understanding that I have come to as an adult. (yeah I am slow so shoot me) I think for many many years I thought its function was for my fellowship, encouragement and learning. Those are parts of it but not the primary role. I am starting to see this as I especially live with someone who is regularly teaching others what the church's function is. Its filtering into my thinking more and more. Most things take time to filter through my mind....a long time :)

Although not the primary purpose of the church, I have been thankful for the encouragement that I have received from the body that we are a part of. It has been an amazing thing for me to regularly hear that folks are praying. It has meant so much to us to know that and be told it repeatedly. I don't tire of being told, that is for sure.

One thing that I think happens inside the inner workings of ministry is that when you are in and around it all the time you start to forget that your words, actions, responses and even just a few sentences go a long way towards encouraging others. We are so busy scuttling off to do the work that we can forget the people we minister to really do benefit by hearing from us. In ministry folks get busy doing their jobs of studying, preparing and all the administrative deeds of the work that they can easily forget there are people behind the prayer requests. I am sure its like any occupation it just gets to be business after a while. I was reminded of this when I met with the surgeon last week and he was talking to me about how he needed to handle my case. He really was careful with his wording because I could tell he recognized what he was going to say would hurt just a little. He was keenly aware of the fact that it was not going to be pleasant for me to hear. His voice slowed and got quiet in some parts and it was because he was delivering some difficult information to me as the hearer.

We have so many people hurting inside the church. As I think on them it makes what I am going through seem small. The church has a primary focus and that is God's glory. We can glorify Him through our actions and words. One thing we can do is use our words and the way we speak them to encourage and support those around us as they walk through dark valleys. Sometimes it's not the multitude of words but the manner in which they are spoken. You can tell someone that you are praying and they can walk away feeling like that was "all business" or you can give them the impression there was a genuine desire to encourage and point you to Christ during the trial. The latter is the key.

I have heard "I am praying for you" a gazillion times since I have come home. I can't think of better words to tell a fellow believer and church member. A word fitly spoken is one where you use the words of your mouth to point another person to the One Who Can Help! Fore go all the frilly sentiments and "hang in there's" and point them to Christ!

Words to Think On

2010-03-19T07:06:00.005+08:00

A friend sent me a song as a gift via Itunes the other day. In light of my current situation she wanted to encourage me with some thoughts. I loved the words to the song so I post it here. A great reminder that the One Who Controls our steps can be trusted no matter what is going on around us. Good stuff for me to be thinking on these days.

Still, My Soul, Be Still

Still, my soul, be still
And do not fear though winds of change may rage tomorrow
God is at your side
No longer dread the fires of unexpected sorrow
God you are my God and I will trust in you and not be shaken
Lord of peace renew a steadfast spirit within me to rest in you alone.

Still, my soul, be still
Do not be moved by lesser lights and fleeting shadows
Hold onto His ways with shield of faith against temptations flaming arrows
God you are my God and I will trust in you and not be shaken
Lord of peace renew a steadfast spirit within me to rest in you alone

Still, my soul, be still
Do not forsake the truth you learned in the beginning
Wait upon the Lord and hope will rise as stars appear when day is dimming
God you are my God and I will trust in you and not be shaken
God of peace renew a steadfast spirit within me to rest in you alone
I'll rest in you alone
In you alone!