The Nitty Gritty --AKA-- Harsh Realites

I am in the middle of it. The hard part has arrived. I knew it would, I told myself it would, I even mapped out when the attack would occur. The harsh reality is this; I am starting to feel back in the game mentally but my body does not agree. My mind is willing but my flesh is still worn out.

When it was in the first month post surgery I did three things consistently and ONLY....I slept (ALOT), I took drugs (ALOT) and I drank Ensure. I did that around the clock for weeeeks. BUT now that time has passed and I am able to be up and around. I just can't seem to do it at the pace that I want and it bugs the daylights out of me!! How is that for laying it out on the line. :-)

Some would say well if you are able to be up and about that is good right? You are feeling better. I would say Absolutely! The reason it falls into the Harsh Realities category is because that means time does not go by quick enough this way. When I slept the days away or dozed in the recliner all day in between shots of liquid Vicodin I didn't have a clue what day it was nor did I have a care in the world. Now the days drag and there is that constant reminder that I am still a long ways away from seeing my family. I think that is the bottom of all the lines. I miss them. It's hard.

Today was Easter Sunday and my family was gathered for the service and dinner. It was nice to be able to participate this year instead of being on the other side of the globe and hearing how much fun they had. I got to be here. It was nice.

While we sat there eating at dinner today it hit me (and distracted me) that I wish my own family was here to enjoy it too. I looked down our table and thought of myself as that odd man out. No spouse, no kids just me and my funky body that is a mess right now. I missed them today. It was hard.

I don't mean to complain nor do I bemoan the fact that I am here. I am able to get the medical treatment that I need. I need it for some very important reasons too. I am so grateful to be able to have it done here. I just miss my life and routine and husband and kids and even my dog. Yes, I miss that spastic little white fluffy creature that chews up things when I am not looking. I miss me some Jack. Its just hard.

Since I am laying it out flat in this post I would be remiss if I did not take it a step further and say that I miss the comforts of my own home and life. If there is one thing I am learning about myself is that I love my comfort. I put it first a lot. In fact, too much I am afraid. It's not good.

So when I have a day that heads down this line of thinking I have to step on the brakes fast. I caught myself today slamming on the old mental brakes big time. As I sat at the table with my family I realized something big. I want things the way I want them, plain and simple. I wanted 4 more people at that table! I wanted to eat a steak like everyone else. I wanted to throw that stinkin cane across the room. In fact, I wanted a lot of things in those brief few moments of thought. Its just the truth.

Thankfully the brakes brought that mental locomotive to a complete halt with a short lag in time. I was on the track and headed straight to nothing but frustration and discontentment. I had to stop that engine before it took me to "no place good" and fast. It was hard.

The harsh reality is this; I am where I am because it is where God put me. Do I like everything about it? No ~~~Do I doubt it is best? Sometimes ~~~Do I wish it were different? Oh yeah! ~~~Do I trust in Gods wisdom and sovereignty? Absolutely!......... It's still hard.

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4